A New Dawn

Has the light gone out? No, it's just Raised Higher

2011-05-10T00:10:00.001-05:00

Today I lost a very, very dear friend. She was my "2nd Momma" when I was young. Then again, I think she was everyone's Momma that would let her take on the role, but she had a special gift for making you feel like she was there for YOU! Every time I have gotten a promotion I've thought, boy would Rose be proud. When someone says I'm a good leader of "Brainstorming" sessions, I know that came directly from Rose. When I needed to choose a name for my daughter, I tried Rose with each name to see if it would fit as a middle name. My Grandmother's name won the spot in the end, but it took a coin-toss to settle it. THAT is how much this lady meant to me.

My Rose, my sweet wonderful Rose passed from this Earth on Mother's Day. I found out this morning before work. It was so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So hard to keep calm and carry on for my 2 babies that expect me to care for them and get them safely to daycare. I couldn't break down and lie in the floor. So I kept moving. I dropped them off at daycare and I kept moving. I was so numb.

On the way to the office I started smiling and crying... it hit me that yeah, I can be sure I do believe in Heaven. You know why? Because I know for certain that Rose is so happy right now. She's in heaven. She's with her youngest daughter Amy, and it has been SO LONG since they've seen each other. I can just hear Amy saying, "Momma, what kept you so long! I was waiting!". I'll bet they had a glorious reunion - heaven just got better, if you can imagine that being possible. :)

Let me tell you about Rose, so you will understand...

Rose loved me. She loved me with all her heart. She didn't love me because she had to, but because she wanted to. When she said "one of my girls" I knew that included me.

Rose was the leader of our Girl Scout Troop from the time I was in Brownies to when I finally gave up being a Scout in High School. She and her cohorts put us through every imaginable craft and life-skills activity you can imagine. If you could make it out of paper, popcicle sticks, yarn, glue, wax, soap, or mud - we made it! Our troop fluxuated from 26 to 10 or so... This woman lead whoever would follow through camping, horseback riding, crossing swinging bridges (this was a re-occuring trial of note), thunderstorms, camp fires, haunted houses, parades, community performances, and volunteering. Oh man, did we volunteer.

Habitat for Humanity gets my time, not because I'm so inherently giving, but because Rose taught me how wonderful it is to give. She taught me to jump in, to get involved, to be there for someone without them having to ASK!

Rose, if you can hear me, I'M BUILDING HOUSES!!! For OTHERS!!! BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Rose was a force, let me tell you. How she managed to raise her two daughters, and take on whatever kid wanted to spend the night, plan all these events, and still have the energy to lead our troop of hoodlums... I'll never understand it. We weren't her only charges either - she had her church-home that she gave JUST as much energy to.

I have always admired Rose. I have 2 kids, and I can't imagine having anywhere near that ability to get it all done. She not only took on everything, but she also did with Syle. Her style. She ruled the roost too! You'd see one of us girls get a little too crazy and she'd set us straight! She'd come in yellin' "Girl's! Now that's about enough, get laid down and go to sleep!". Then again, I guess she was just as likely to let us go right on being silly. How, she could get 14 girls ready to leave the house with only 2 bathrooms, I don't know, but she did - I didn't say we'd make it ON TIME, but we'd make it just the same.

Oh boy... On Time. Ha! There wasn't "On Time" there was "Rose Time". She'd always show up, just when you thought you'd misunderstood where you were supposed to meet for an event she was leading. She'd show up with everything ready to go, both her girls, and move the group out in a flash. I got to where I would just tell my Mom not to worry, we were on Rose time. Come to think of it, I think I might have adopted Rose Time as my own time zone. I'm always about 5 mins late, but I'm always manage to arrive just before the fun starts. :)

What else can I say. I have felt all day that my life is a little less bright because a light has gone out. Then I remembered my thoughts on Heaven, from this morning, and I realized that no, the light is just raised a little bit higher. She's still a beacon for me to follow, just as she's always been.

I'll miss you Rose. I hope you are proud of what you see tonight, as you look down over us all. Your motto was to "Leave it better than you found it", and I'll assure you, you did.

Career Paths

2011-04-19T14:03:00.004-05:00

Last night I overheard a man drilling some go-get'er attitude into his young (around 10 - 11, I'd say) son. The son seemed somewhat interested, but also somewhat bored with the talk. The kid was a doughy sort, seemed kinda laid back. He'd just finished his Chik-fil-A sandwhich and was being chastised for eating a 2-mile-high ice cream cone, That is, chastised by the Father that BOUGHT it for him. This frustrated the crap 'outta me... Why buy the kid ice-cream if you are just going to give him a hard time about eating it? Anyway...

So, I sat and listened to the pep-talk while I cajoled Jim to eat his chicken and I tickled Miss M to keep her cheery.

The lesson I gathered from the father's extolling was that this boy, this son, should put down his ice-cream cone and put himself squarely on the road to "Giving it your ALL!". The subject was sports. The boy apparently needed to bring his "A" game up a bit to suit his father. The boy seemed less than interested by this point in the talk and sunk lower in the bench seat, still eating his ice cream.

The father then whispered conspiratorially, "You see this? This is the reason!". Without speaking, and with a gleam of riches in his eye, the father brandishes a baseball card, a Rookie card, and whispered, "BallPlayer Whatshisname STARTED at One Hundered THOUSAND Dollars a YEAR!", then he yells, "STARTED! Can you IMAGINE?!?!?!?". Then he waits, sure the son will come around, and he does.

The son sits up straighter, looks more closely at the card. The Father, realizing his fish is on the line, starts reeling in the story. He's guesstimating how much Player Whatshisname is making now, what he is worth, what he will make over a lifetime. The son steals glances at me, I think he's looking for confirmation, but I look away.

I can't help but think... That poor boy. Only 1 in several thousand ever make it to be a real ball player. Most just end up frustrated that they didn't make it. I'm sure there will be hurt feelings and lost dreams on the Father's part, too. Hopefully he won't take it out on the kid forever...one of those "you didn't make it happen" regrets.

It occurs to me too, that most kids with his cultural background don't focus on their studies, so they don't even graduate high school. His father is trying to set him on a very difficult path, and one that the kid is not currently physically ready for. It's going to be a looooong road for this kid.

I keep thinking about this kid.

Could I have blown the kid's mind if I told him what a Dentist or Lawyer makes, or even what I make for that matter. I could tell him that people with white-collar careers don't have to worry about being side-lined by blowing out a knee, tearing a rotator cuff, or some young stud coming along and stealing all his hard-won glory. Well, sometimes we do worry about that last one, but you come to terms with it pretty fast. :)

Then I realized.... I am sorta being like the Father. I'm thinking of the outliers. I've focused on the money piece. I haven't found out what this kid is actually interested in. I know nothing about his abilities. I know not everyone can be a Dr. or Lawyer, etc.

So, now I wonder, how do you help a kid find the right match. How will I help Jim when it's his turn to pick a path? I keep going back to the cliche, the "Well Rounded Child". Maybe that is the key after-all, more than a cliche - the more experiences you have, the more you can relate to and try on for a fit.

Then again, I think back on my childhood... I had LOTS of experiences. I was opened up to so many different ideas and career choices. So many that I couldn't choose. I fell into my current position because I knew I could do the job, not because I was in love.

I know now that what I really needed was someone to give me a list... A list of careers with what they do, what they typically make, and MOST IMPORTANTLY here are the high-level steps to get there. I didn't have anyone that could help me with this information. I was expected to just sort-of figure it out.

Before you suggest it.... The Guidance Counselors at my school focused on the troubled kids. They either didn't know how, or didn't care, to help me pick a path.

As a result, for several years I've thought of going back to school, so I can be what I want to be when I grow up. :) I still wish I knew what I want to be, and how to get there. Sigh.

Blogher? Maybe?

2011-04-17T23:28:00.003-05:00

I'm thinking about going to BlogHer. Not because I'm such a great blogger anymore, not because I have any kind of traffic to speak of here, but because I know sooo many of these Bloggy ladies, and I'm very interested in meeting them.

I feel like I'm a moth, being drawn to it. My one regret? I wish I had spent more time keeping my readers intact. I kinda feels like the "I wish I'd lost weight before this big event", but in this case I wish I'd taken better care of my BLOG instead of my BODY. Well, I would have liked to be more svelt before going to the event, too. But, I think I'm going to go anyway, love handles and all.

I wonder, who of you will be going this year? I sent out a couple of emails to my blog-buddies, but haven't gotten much info back yet. Hopefully that just means that they had GREAT weekends! Ha!

----------

Today we did something novel. We went to the park to a gathering of Miss M's daycare classmates/parents. We had a good time! It was an international lunch, for sure. The other ladies were all from various countries - China, India both North and South. They brought meat and veggie tikkas (patties), somosas (meat-filled pastries), and tofu sushi. I held up the Caucasian/Southerner end of the bargin, I brought fried chicken and HOMEMADE Strawberry Pies with REAL whipped cream. I didn't realize I was a stereotype, but there you go! We had a GREAT lunch. I truly enjoyed myself.

Jim got some playtime in at the park, he and I were alone in that endeavor, since all of the kids were <1. He wanted to go to another park after we left - I think he had a great time. :)

Oh... I do think I scared the other parents just a bit (most of them only have 1 child). I told them it would be 6 months or less before their kids would be ready for the playground equipment. I got back some HUGE stares of incredulousness. One guy actually said, "No, it'll be more like a year or 2". His kiddo was one of the oldest. Sigh. I sure hope he's wrong in his estimate... I'll just have to wait and see. :) They can consider themselves warned! HA!

Good times! Hopefully we'll do it again soon. :)

Wonderful World...

2011-04-12T22:29:00.005-05:00

Wow... My world is kinda wonderful, and pretty sucktastic at the same time. How's about them apples?

I have several things I've always wanted, more kid-related goodness than I could have imagined, a growing friendship base, and yet my insides are...well... screaming. I find I am, therefore, screaming at my husband and older kid a bit for being a pain in my buttocks. Then, I turn and see Miss M and I just melt. I'm instantly calmed by her innocence and sweetness.

I feel like a fraud when this happens. I feel like a bad Mommy. Apparently I'm just not good at holding in my emotions when I'm being irritated repeatedly. My husband is, I think, trying to work with me. At least he's less bothersome lately. My older kid? Not so much. He's taken on waaay more of the "mommy irritation" work than his fair share lately.

Really, I need Jim to stop baiting me everytime I turn around. He argues with me about his dinner every.freakin'. night. He claims to NOT LIKE his FAVORITE foods. OMG, makes me want to screeeeeam. Sometimes, I do. Like tonight.

I made dinner, took it out of the oven, carefully cooled it for my lovely son, and all the while he was claiming that he doesn't like this food. A WONDERFUL food he's had many times before and LOVES. I knew, as soon as it started, that we'd have another night of me repeating "No, you aren't done until you have had 'n' more bites.", and the all-time classic, "How do you KNOW you don't like it, you haven't even TRIED it?!?!?".

He KNOWS this dance bugs the shit outta me. He KNOWS he's just being a pain. He KNOWS that end the end he'll just end up eating it - at least 1 bite. So why in the hell, after 6 months of this, are we still having to sort out what he will agree to eat? I just want to run screaming from the house.

The worst thing is... He's a wonderful, amazing, sweet, and loving child. He's also a pain in the butt because he's really smart and knows just what he's doing when he pushes all the buttons at once. Sometimes, he even smiles an evil smile when he knows he's got me cornered.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this point. I told my hubby... It wouldn't be sooooo terribly bad either, except that we have at least 3 more years of this with his sister to look forward to before she's even started pulling this mess. How am I going to make it that long? How will I stay sane?

I have to admit, I think some of my angst is that I'm more mentally tired these days. I changed teams at work recently, and the learning curve is pretty steep. I'm doing to same job, essentially, but I'm having to learn slightly different policies and procedures, as they apply on the new team. It's exhausting having to track down the process for each thing I do. I really need a break.

I want to take a trip overseas. I want to go either to Rome or Ireland. I want to go in late May, but it may already be too late to make that happen. I'm not really sure my passport is current... I need to put that on my checklist.

Hubby is talking about taking me to Chicago in June to celebrate my Birthday, which is this month. He chose June because there is a huge food fest going on, and he KNOWS how I lurve me some great food. Trust me, if Seattle wasn't on that nasty fault line, and right up against that tsunami-generating ocean, I'd be there in a NY minute. No Doubt about it.

Anyway. I'm just rambling. I haven't posted in a while due to my funk and my crazy so-called life.

I am loving on my sweet baby girl. She's 5 1/2 months old now. Ya, I know, where did the time go? Does the 2nd one grow faster or something? Sheesh.

She's doign all kinds of age-appropriate stuff, grabbing toys, chewing toys, babbling, and now she turns when you call her name! YAY! I'm not sure I talked about that here, but we were kinda worried something was very wrong. She was 4 mo old before she made any attempts at all to turn to investigate the sounds around her. It didn't matter what the noise was, or the loudness of the noise - no response. So, Whew! We are so glad that turned out to be nothing, apparently. She seems to have learned her name even! YAY! Oh, and she has juuuust started rolling over. Tonight, I think she figured out she could roll to where she wants to go. Seriously. she looked at a toy of Jim's, flipped and flopped a couple of times and ALMOST got it. She's apparently directionally challenged, but I don't expect it will last long.

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately, hope any of you that are still reading will choose to forgive me. My funk and all the work craziness has kinda made me hide from the world a bit. I've been reading up on you guys though. AND I'm on Twitter - I don't follow during the day usually, but I'm on at night.

Night all.

Free Address Labels!

2011-02-17T14:22:00.001-05:00

Shutterfly, a company I love, is giving away some of their ultra-cool address lables.

Enter promo code at checkout: HTRB-3PNE-P3WB-YY0XJ7
Offer ends Feb 23

Enjoy!

General Thoughts - Thursday Thinking?

2011-02-10T23:24:00.004-05:00

Seems like everyday has some kind of "theme" around the blogosphere... How do you feel about "Thursday Thinking", hmmm?

I'm thinking about one of the comments re: Financial Peace and investment debt. Dave's plan definitely supports investment debt. He does recommend you pay down debt as soon as you can, to put the interest savings in your own pocket. HOWEVER, he also is very aware that you have to borrow to invest in large ticket items. So, he's pro-investment, he counts houses in that category. Then again, I've not heard him in recent years, not sure how he feels about houses with the current downturn in real estate. I wouldn't be surprised if he's in a "buy" mood personally - just think about all that CHEAP business real estate out there, and he's a very wealthy man these days.

Thinking about our kids...
- There is a really, really wonderful lady and her husband that are "kin" to my family by marriage. They are so sweet to our kids and they remember them with gifts at birthdays and major holidays. My kiddos unfortunately only have 1 set of grandparents living - hubby's Dad recently passed on, and I never met my MIL - she passed several years ago. So, I've been thinking about broaching the topic of "adopted" grandparents. Does that sound odd? I just so wish that my kids had another set of older-generation people to love on them. I don't think I would consider it, but these folks have no grandkids of their own, and I'm guessing they never will at this point. It's sad - they'd make the greatest grandparents, and my kids need grandparents. Seems like a match to me...

- Miss M. is starting to want to sit up while being held. It's really cool! She's all about trying to hold herself upright. :) She's still not much into playing with toys and such, but she will bat at hanging rattles if you'll hold them for her.

- Jim is a trip as always. He's always coming up with the neatest things to say.

We were in a parking lot and Jim pointed out that there were lots of "big buildings and stores" - it was a strip mall.
Me: What kinds of stores are there?
Jim: Food Store
Me: What do you get at a Food Store?
Jim: Groceries!

Me: What other kinds of stores are there?
Jim: French Fry Store
Me: What do you get at a Food Store?
Jim: Hamburgers and Chicken Nuggets!

Me: What other kinds of stores are there?
Jim: Happens Store
Me: A Happens store? What do you get at a Happens store?
Jim: Happens

Me: Really? OK, when would you go to a Happens store?
Jim: When you've had an accident. You go get Happens.

Me: You get Happens, when you have an accident?
OHHHHH! Accidents Happen!!! You are sooo wonderfully Wonderful Jim!

- Ms M has been getting a bit of a flat spot on one side of her head. I'm quite familiar with Torticollis, since Jim went through some issues with it. His head is actually not very round. So I've been working on keeping Ms. M's head round by being diligent with moving her position/head/propping her/etc since she was born.

Week before last I picked her up from her cradle and found that her head was very suddenly quite mis-shapen. I freaked out a little. Ok, a lot. It was like having 3 months of effort yanked out from under me.

I stormed into the room with hubby and told him we needed to talk. I was soooo mad, and needed to address it with the daycare - they were obviously leaving her to sleep in one position ALL the time. I had told them to watch her and it wasn't happening, obviously.

I won't get into all the details... sufficed to say, the daycare now has an action plan for how to take care of Ms M. They now know more about Torticollis. As I understand it the Director shared some pics around to show what happens if babies aren't managed for this condition.

Do know, this condition isn't one that you are taught to watch for, and I know plenty of people (including me) had their kiddos get pretty flat-headed before realizing there was a real issue. However, I was shocked that our daycare hasn't ever dealt with it. Too weird. Then again, maybe that just means they don't let their babies lay around untended too much. We'll see.

For All My Geeky Girlfriends!

2011-02-10T18:08:00.001-05:00

This is our form of "being Martha". Enjoy!

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2011/02/09/angry-birds-bento-box-pic/

I've Been Very Weird Lately

2011-02-09T00:24:00.005-05:00

I JUST remembered something WONDERFUL happened this week, and I didn't blog about it...

Thrifty Decor Chick reminded me with her post... Gah! I can't believe I didn't tell you guys!!

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey ? If you haven't, you might want to. He says people who don’t have debt are WEIRD. That’s what he says. “Debt is normal…be weird.”

So, you can say I'm being somewhat weird... And I'm so glad of it!

I PAID OFF MY LAST REMAINING CREDIT CARD!!!!!

YES, I really did. I hit SEND and that sucker was GONE! BLAMO!!!!!!

I read Financial Peace years ago. My cousin followed it with her family - Success! My brother follows it with his family - Succcess!! So I started following it gently about 4 years ago - I had about $5ok in debt that I can remember (not including the house). I'm not proud of that fact, I'm really not. Then again, my salary was pretty great so I wasn't toooo worried.

Idiot me - young idiot me, right? That kind of thinking is what I was up against. Ugh.

Well... I talked through the Financial Peace ground rules with hubby and we started doing it. Snicker. Snicker.

No really... Be serious...

Within the 1st 2 years of the plan we knocked out ALL of our car loans, and all but 1 credit card each. When we had Jim we had a harder time paying things of quickly, but all of our work bringing down our debts allowed us to pay for the non-covered portion of an IVF, all the hospital bills, and a GREAT daycare and still have $ coming into our savings each month.

In 2009 (the year after Jim was born) I managed to pay 1/2 down on a brand-new car.. Yes, in cash. You can still do that, you know, pay cash. :) I have a 2 yr old car and I owe only $5,000 on it now. Really.

FTR - I had to have a car after Jim was born due to safety and medical reasons. I searched and shopped and waited and searched until I found JUST the right deal on a new car. That new car was only $1 - 2 K more than the next 2 yr models that were selling used, so it made sense to buy new, but Dave (the FP guy) would have said to buy used. We disagree, it's OK, I still love him.

Oh, and in 2010, when there was no insurance for our IVF, and they told me to pay up front. I wrote them a big fat check, paid in full. Done. Yep. No bills from that either.

OK, so now I have a student loan to focus on, a car to finish paying off (I pay way more than the min each month), and I'm done. Done with debt, other than the house. If all goes well, that is. Oh, and you naysayers out there are thinking "It doesn't always go well, you could loose a job, yada yada...). YEP! That's why the Financial Peace plan starts with building your emergency fund. So you have cash money in the bank, just in case. No, it won't keep me afloat for long. I realize that, but it just might be enough to get me to the other shore of a menacing jobless sea of sorrow.

I AM SO EXCITED - and PROUD of myself. I really am.

pat. pat. pat. I might need PT after this, but I'm glad to be patting my own back for once!

Twitter Anyone?!?!

2011-02-08T20:25:00.002-05:00

I am trying to catch up to you guys on twitter, but everyone I know has their tweets protected... So, how do I let you guys know I'm on?

I'm lost. For a REAL geek this is humiliating. (hangs head in shame)

Will someone let me into the club? I promise I'll play nice! :)

I'm @Nearlydawn as if it wasn't something you'd guess...

What's The Deal?

2011-02-03T00:56:00.003-05:00

I have a few things I'd like to understand better...

Why is it that I can't seem to stop reading blogs about babyloss? Why must I know the details of these poor people's stories? Why?

I just don't get what is in me that makes me go of on tangets that I KNOW are about babies lost during pregnancy or just after. I don't know what it is. Is it a fear that I'll loose Miss M? Is it some sort of odd tourture? Is it a "What if?" issue for me that never was resolved when I lost my daughter at 15wks gestation last year?

Sometimes I think it is because I am still so scared that I will loose Jim or more likely Miss M. That fear never seems to leave me, and I think it is more present now that I've experienced a mid-term loss.

Right now, Miss M is sleeping peacefully in her rocker, right beside me, and I am crying uncontrollably over someone's loss. I am living their pain. Why?

I think my time online reading blogs is growing shorter as a result of these painful forays. I know that about 1/2 the time I get online I'm going to find that a friend or one of their friends needs my support due to a loss... I wonder if I'm starting to wear out emotionally. Maybe not so much "wear out", but maybe the borders are getting blurred between my life and all those out there hurting. I think I'm internalizing their pain and their stories.

Does anyone else do this? Do you have thoughts about it?

My Kid Has Had One Long Day...

2011-01-25T14:45:00.001-05:00

Since 12 AM my little Jim has had a quintessentially bad day:

- 12 AM: Woken up whimpering and come to sleep in my bed

- 1 AM - 3 AM: Thrashed around until my warnings reached that cold and calculated "I'll put you outside in the cold if you don't stop wiggling!". (not really, but damn it feels about right at 2 AM)

- 3 AM: Bonked me on the head until I woke up and yelled at him.

- 4 AM: Woke up very thirsty and cried piteously until I got him water*

- 5 AM: Woke up crying because his knee still hurt** - and I couldn't find the syringe to give him Motrin.

- Finally got some Motrin at 5:30 when I gave up and low-ball estimated the amount to give using another syringe. He probably got 1/2 a dose, but it worked apparently.

and to top it all off! Drum roll please!!!

- 8:30 AM - WHOMP! He fell out of my bed.

Really. I almost had a hard time feeling sorry for him. Really.

Then.... Then I thought about all the times I made my Mom's life hard when I was having bad-day issues. I need to call my Mom and say "Thanks for hugging me AND not putting me out in the yard."

In his defense:

* It was really, really dry in the house last night, I GRUDGINGLY got me some water too.

** He had said his knee hurt when he came to bed at 12 AM, but his explanation was sketchy, so I kinda dismissed it as a dreaming-while-awake issue. He said he "I hurt it on Sissy's frog", and the only frog I could think of in the house was her humidifier. Turns out he fell getting out of the car yesterday, in the garage - he banged his knee. What did he trip over? A stuffed frog that lives in Daddy's car. Duh! I didn't know this until my husband tried to "help" with that explanation. GRRRRR! Couldn't he have told me when it happend so I could have administered a pain reliever?

G - Our Letter for the Day

2011-01-20T00:57:00.001-05:00

Jim and I were in the car for an after-dinner trip to Target. I was cruising down the small, slightly winding road that leads from our house to civilization. I suddenly saw an animal on the curb and made that intake-gasp-of-air sound, applied a tiny bit of brake, and moved over just a bit so I wouldn't have an unfortunate "bump, bump" to explain to my dear kiddo. Not to mention the fact that I'd cry. I'm a wuss when it comes to killing animals. Really*.

So, Jim, being the very clever kid that he is, noticed the whole thing, but didn't see the animal.

Jim: "Mommy you almost hit that person!" (by which he meant the car in the oncoming lane that we passed)

Me: "No Honey, I didn't almost hit that car. Um... (stalling) There was an animal walking into the road, and I didn't want to hit him." (didn't really want to get into the whole explanation of squishing an animal and all that).

Jim: "You almost hit that Giraffe?"

You can imagine my surprise that there was apparently a giraffe, on our neighborhood road, that I didn't see, and almost hit.

Me: (ROFL) "No Honey, I didn't almost hit a giraffe, did you see a giraffe?"

Jim: "Uh-huh"

Me: Laughing some more... "Honey, I don't think so, I think it was an opossum."

When I was pretty sure we'd finished most of the almost hit, almost squished, are you sure it wasn't a giraffe conversation, I called my Mom and relayed the funny stuff.

Gotta love kids!

* Actually, I'm pretty sure I could kill one if I was hungry enough, but let's hope I NEVER get that hungry. Really, that would suck on so many different levels.

Snow Days & Long Nights

2011-01-13T02:01:00.001-05:00

I have had an odd last few of days - the snow on Sunday night didn't reach our friends' house until a couple of hours after it had blanketed our house. So at 10 PM Sunday night my hubby, son, daughter, and I found ourselves traveling in blizzard-like conditions, trying to get home.

We completed a harrowing 12 mile trip in just over an hour. I had my son in my car, hubby had Miss M. The snow was so bad we periodically lost sight of each other, but were never apart more than 50 feet.

For a fun twist, my cell phone was in Hubby's car, but neither of us knew it until it was too dangerous to fix the issue. Bonus level of stress for both of us!

Double-bonus for me? Jim wasn't sleepy, so was witness to the scary slipping, sliding, white-out fun. He really didn't seem to realize the danger until we slid off the road and jumped a median. I'm not sure what tipped him off, the sliding sideways, the fast-beeping traction control alarm, or the huge BANG-BLAM When we hit the median. Afterwards though, he kept saying, "I don't like bumpy ice Mommy". Don't blame you kid!

Monday was tough too, I left my laptop at work and there was no way to retrieve it. Not a chance. I tried several solutions using my own laptop, no dice. I eventually had to give in and have a crappy day, complete with bad mood that I'd have to waste a PTO day. Ugh!

Tuesday, I resigned myself to just take a day off, since I had no choice. Here was my chance... I setup a little-kids-sledding date with the neighbors, fed kiddo a big breakfast, and proceeded to have a wonderfully day of fun - I felt like I was 10 again.

My girlfriend, our kids, and I sledded exeedingly fast down the street, ate chili, sledded some more, ate cold ham w/bread and butter, drank too much wine (primarily the adults), laughed our asses off, and generally made fools of ourselves. It was amazingly fun!

Today. Today I did the dumbest thing ever in my life x2. I put my kids in the car and took them to daycare while I went to get my laptop, so I could work from home the rest of this week. I'm a ducking idiot.

I knew it was a huge mistake the minute I saw the road just outside out neighborhood.

OK! Let's face it, I actually knew it when I saw the solid sheet of ice that was my street.

OK, OK! I really knew it when my Hubby mentioned causally that it would only get up to 28 degrees today. I thought then that I should just stay home. Idiot!

No, I braved the ice, the cold, and endangered my kids to get my machine so I wouldn't have to take a 3rd PTO day. Yep. Ducking idiot.

We made it, the car made it, but I'm not sure my son will EVER like "bumpy ice" again. He's a smart boy, learns fast.

Faster than me, for sure.

Hope all of you are inside, warm, safe, and sound tonight - I'm so blessed that we are.

Reason for the Season ll

2010-12-25T09:23:00.001-05:00

Just so I don't forget... We told Jim all about Santa coming. We even used the "you'd better be good" line a few times... We sent him to bed with sugar plums dancing on his head.

So this morning at a respectable 9 AM my son comes in to the room to wake me. He's all excited to go downstairs. I asked him what we were going to do downstairs, since I hadn't heard any mention of any key Christmas ingredients.

Jim looked at me ever-so-brightly and said, "We have to get god and watch a video!"

Really? Hmmm... That, my dear, what I was thinking, but OK!

Boy will Jim be surprised! I hope...

The Reason for the Season

2010-12-19T19:54:00.004-05:00

Jim arrived at Nana's house to a room full of presents. I doubt he can remember last Christmas, so he has never seen such a thing. He asked, "Are all these presents for me?". As we tried to explain the reason for the gifts we pointed out that everyone would be getting gifts tomorrow, to which he replied delightedly, "Tomorrow is everyone's Birthday?".

I have to say, although my family is religious (and we are Christians) we are not of a faith that celebrates Christmas as a religious holiday. We celebrate it as a family holiday, and we enjoy it mightily. There are some nativity figures in some of our houses, and some of us send religious greeting cards, but primarily it is just a time for family to get together and share in good times.

Here's an odd confession for you... I was in almost in my tweens before I made a solid connection between Christmas and Jesus. I remember it, quite well actually, the very moment I made that connection. As we drove past a church that had a live nativity I saw that they had a huge Christmas tree, it was right beside the life-size nativity, THEN I saw the church sign saying "The Reason for the Season". It clicked, like I'd be hit in the head with brick thrown by baby Jesus himself. Hard to believe, I know.

When I tell you I'm a "live and let live" sort of person, you can really believe it. K?

Oh, just to balance this story evenly... Jim also didn't know what to do when he saw Santa. He kinda looked at me like, why are you setting me on this man's lap? Our grouchy Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas... and... nothing. Jim wouldn't answer him. We couldn't get him to answer. He hadn't a clue what we were talking about. I guess that explains why he didn't ask me for presents every day since September, huh?

I think I forgot to tell him that part. Ooooppps! (not that I'm displeased to miss the joy of being haggled by a 2 1/2 yr old.)

Happy Holiday that to Jim Appears to Have No Reason!! HA!

I'm a bad Mommy. I'll just turn in my Mommy card now.

However, I'll ask if I get redeemed because I let Jim open all Miss M's presents for her. Maybe?

Christmas Tree Light

2010-12-16T01:18:00.005-05:00

We've been doing a LOT by Christmas tree light lately - I just find it so wonderfully relaxing.

This year, the lights they are a-shining, so I'm in good spirit. You see, I have these great lights for my tree - they are multi-function and do about 8 different "tricks". They blink in 8 different patterns, and I LOVE them. I've had them since 1993, and every year I wonder if this will be the year the lights don't come on. I just know it will happen one day, and Christmas will never be the same again.

When my boy Jim celebrated his 1st real Christmas last year I wasn't sure how I would handle the decorations on the tree. I didn't want to put away all of our good ornaments, but I didn't want to decorate only 1/2 the tree either. Also GASP! I wanted to let him help decorate it.

The solution? Walmart.

Walmart has very convincingly decorated unbreakable (aka plastic) ornaments - the look a wh0le lot like my normal glass ones. So, I decorated 90% of the tree (lights, garland, the higher-up ornaments) and then I let my kiddo come in and help me finish. I had pre-strung the plastic globes with thread (no hooks to mess with). I helped him with the hanging part, but he chose the locations for the ornaments.

Last year worked so well that I repeated the performance again. Kiddo seems to love that he helped decorate the tree. He even put on a few that weren't plastic this year. He comes in from school and runs to turn on the tree - we have a step-on switch, and he LOVES being able to do it himself.

Gotta love Christmas with a big-boy decorating helper. It's great to see him so proud.

I've been overzealous this Christmas in the kitchen. I've made 4 dozen snickerdoodles and 140 buckeyes (peanut butter cup-like candy).

Oh! That brings to mind a STORY!! I decided that the snickerdoodles wouldn't be good long enough for me to send them to my brother. My brother is a Fireman. So, I decided that Jim and I would take cookies over to the fire station.

I figure these guys and girls do some pretty great stuff for my family, so they could use an unexpected treat. I brought someone else's brother, father, boyfriend cookies. Maybe, just maybe, someone out there will be kind enough to bring my brother some cookies too.

Jim and I set off "Going on an adventure.**" . Just us, and Jim noted that Miss M wasn't joining us. I think he was pleased. You should have seen Jim's eyes when I told him we were going to the Fire Station. Priceless.

We walked up, I handed Jim the cookies, and he was so excited he forgot how to speak. So, I told the Fireman on duty the reason for the cookies, and his smile lit up like a Christmas tree. He grabbed my son by the hand and took him into the engine bay. Jim was treated to a trial of several different seats in each engine and a tour of both ambulances. The guy was so into it - he was explaining all about who sits where, and what their duties are, and lots about the equipment.

It felt really good to have spread some Christmas cheer. It felt really good to have someone be genuinely nice to my son. It was a nice afternoon.

So, if you find you have an extra few cookies... Think of your local FD - bring them some cheer. You just might get a quick personal tour!

**Going on an adventure - that's what we call it when we are going on a special errand, It keeps us from having to give him the detail of what we are about to do

Meds and Maternity Clothes...

2010-12-13T18:10:00.006-05:00

If you guys know of anyone that needs one of the following, please pass them to me!!!

- Work-appropriate NICE maternity clothes in plus sizes - 1x to 2x. I'm selling mine... 25 pieces for $50.00. That's a STEAL seeing as just 2 of the shirts were that much when I bought them recently.
- Folli.stem 900 Unit cartridge - exp 02/2012
- Love.nox - 5 or 6 weeks worth leftover
- Proges.terone suppositories - about 1 month worth

Wisdom on Dressing from My Mom

2010-12-13T13:29:00.004-05:00

I'm getting my blog inspirations from others these days, it seems...

Jen, over at Here We Go Again, was talking about being over-dressed at a recent holiday party due to her husband's attire recon fail. Made me think of a good story...

I've never really been worried about being overdressed. Really. Well, not since it happened in about 8th grade, which as you know is a hugely bad time to have any social snafu. My faux-pas wasn't so bad, but my Mom shared a cool story as a result. I'm guessing it changed a lot about my life, beacuse I listened...

Mom said that she wasn't very popular, and was pleasantly surprised when she was invited to a birthday party for one of the really popular girls in her class. She was excited about it, and asked a few people from the popular crowd what the attire was. They told her it was a coming-out party. So, my Mom would need a true formal-ish cocktail dress.

Now, my Mom lived on a farm, and her family was on the shallow end of the money pool. She didn't own any dresses that would work for the party. However, her Mom wasn't going to let her go under dressed to the event of the year. I've forgotten if they bought or made the dress, but she went in a very nice cocktail dress, and was looking very sharp indeed.

I can imagine my Mom was on cloud 9 and was strutting a bit, she was a very pretty girl even though she thinks she was too thin. :)

I'm sure you can imagine then, that she was mortified though when she arrived and found that all the other girls were dressed in "Sunday Best". They had lied to her. Those mean girls had purposefully told her to wear the wrong thing.

My Mom stayed at the party (not sure she had a choice, she was probably dropped off by her parents) and figured out a key part of life... She refused to show that she was hurt by their misdirection. She just acted like she enjoyed herself, like nothing was amiss.

You know what happened? They guys all thought she looked marvelous, and paid attention to her! She was suddenly more popular, and was getting interest she hadn't before!

Mom says that it taught her to NEVER apologize for being overdressed. An apology suggests you have something to be sorry for. Instead, just go with it, and show that you have confidence, know that you look damn good. Why should you appologize for looking Damn Good?

Mom's theory, as she taught it to me, is that everyone else is only worried about themselves and what people are thinking aobut them anyway. So, if you don't show that you are embarrassed, you will likely just make the other people more self-conscious. It is likely they won't be talking bad about you because they are preoccupied with themselves! :) Nice, huh?

So, I learned early how to enter a room with confidence. I never worry about my attire or what people are thinking about me. I KNOW they aren't thinking about me. And you know what? I've had more than one close friend comment on on this "ability" of mine. They ask me how it is that I enter a packed room with an air of "I'm here now, we can get the party started!". ;)

Gotta love Momma's advice...

Handshakes

2010-12-12T01:20:00.003-05:00

Bea over at Infertile Fantasies sparked my interest in finally penning a blog post that's been rolling around in my head. The idea finally took shape, so here goes...

I took Miss M to do a sleep study a few weeks back - she was breathing funny. Not a ha ha kind of funny, unfortunatly.

The technician at the sleep center was extremely easy to get to know, and we shared a lot of ancedotes and personal histories over our few hours of interaction. Somewhere in the night, I'm guessing it was about 3 AM, Miss M lost patience with the test equipment, unwrapped her head, and pulled two of her leads off. It was time to feed her too, so the technician came back in to reattach it to Miss M while I soothed her with a bottle.

Since the re-attaching process takes a while, we talked a bit more about whatever. Something I said about feeding Miss M sparked a question that I thought to ask her about raising her own kids... I was confident she did, given the info she'd shared. So I asked the standard lead-in, "Do you have kids?" And you know what? I saw it... Just a millisecond of emotion crossed her face, but it told her whole story. I immediately felt horrible for asking, damn infertility... I didn't know what story would unfold, if any, but was willing to listen or not, as she chose.

The technician went on to tell me, that she'd adopted 2 wonderful children, and raised them as her own. She'd aparently adopted them after their infancy, so she'd missed out on the basic task I was performing - feeding and holding my infant. She never showed me her pain again - she didn't lament the missed infancy. She was matter-of-fact about it, bright even, and didn't share her story. The instant of pain that crossed her face will likely alway stick with me. It spoke to me, like no words could. The handshake was made, but it left me wishing I could have shared more of my journey with her and visa versa. I think it would have made for a nice evening of sharing with a sister-in-IF.

On the flip-side...

At Jim's daycare Friday, the center director was admiring Miss M, and talking openly about her thoughts on having another child. She's entering 40 this year, and would have to have a tubal reversal to try to conceive naturally. She knows how we had Jim, our nameless angel, and Miss M, so she asked what it was like for us. I was kinda surprised she asked, since another daycare mother was standing with us. I don't care about sharing, but some people are easily shocked...

Before I could answer though, the Director turned to look at Jim and said, "Jim is just so beautiful! And Miss M looks just like him!" To which I laughingly replied, "I have 3 more of him in the freezer if you want'em! Ha!". OMG! Did that just fall out of my mouth? Ha! Yep! I looked quickly at the other daycare Mom... and I saw the knowing look in her eye as she said, "I have one like ____ in the freezer myself!". Handshake offered by accident, and heartily returned.

Maybe she and I will be friends, maybe we won't, but after giving me her ART elevator-pitch she introduced herself, and her daughter. It doesn't change a thing, but it's nice to know.

Sigh... I'm thinking about whether I want to truly jump into the IF support world of Resolve or not. I think if I'd found them while I was still in the trenches I'd have been on that wagon in a heartbeat. Now, I'm not sure. I'm kinda ready to leave it behind a bit. I almost NEED to move on. There are a few friends I've made here that haven't finished their own journies yet. I'm thinking when they are done I'll be done too. I need to see it through for them, to be there to talk, share, support, and comment. Does that make sense? What do you think you'd do?

6 Wks - Wow!

2010-12-09T00:19:00.003-05:00

My baby girl will be 6 weeks old on Friday... Wow. I can feel the time, but I'm amazed it is going by...not fast exactly, just pretty normal so far. She is still sleeping alot, but is starting to have some wakeful periods each day.

Here's the biggest wow though.... She is starting to interact with toys!!! Really. It's a bit freaky, but I'm sitting here watching it happen, so I know it is real.

One of my blogger buddies sent me a HUGE package of brightly wrapped toys (big hugs to her for being so sweet). So, when Hubby mentioned the other night that he felt sorry for Miss M because she didn't have "anything to do" I broke out this beautiful butterfly chime and attached it to her cradle. I LOVE the sound of these particular chimes...

She seemed to like the sound too, and would look at it when I would hold it and shake it. Fast forward to tonight... I placed her in a bouncy chair, put the butterfly on her tummy, and am sitting here in amazement.

I'm watching her purposfully bat at the butterfly! REALLY. She has manged to hit it so many times that she has pushed it to her feet 3 times now. She then gets frustrated because she can't reach it, and she starts fussing. No joke.

I wish I had my video camera... I'd so totally film this.

I've called my hubby over to have him verify I'm not crazy. :)

Well... shoot, that didn't work out as planned. Yeah, he validated that she's hitting it allright, but also managed to get into a fight about the cat. Fuck. Hate that... We seem to do stuff like that alot. Kinda ruins it, don't you think? Sigh.

Why is it that marriages can't be easier? He hates it when I do X, but he does Y over and over, which makes me do X. I could choose not to do X, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do nothing, and my default response is to do X.

Sigh.

Grrrrr.

Miss M's Birthday Story

2010-11-29T23:55:00.019-05:00

Let's start with the day before - on Thursday I went into the OB...

Thursday:
- I went into the OB's office for a Non-Stress Test. Miss M was terribly agitated and kept kicking up a storm. For a full hour she kicked and fussed in there. So much, that the NST results were invalid. Who knew you could be TOO active on that test?
- The odd NST results meant that my OB was required to do a biophysical profile, to rule out any issues. Their US lab was full, so I did the ultrasound at my Perinatologist's office (in the same building).
- The Peri's tech found that she had 'Low Fluid', which led to questions about when I ate last. YOU KNOW when they ask that question that things are headed downhill pretty fast... My Peri's office had measured my fluid levels on Monday at ~12 cm, and on Thursday they were 2.5 cm. That's a HUGE drop - anything below 5 is considered bad. It was discussed whether I had a rupture, or if my Lovenox wasn't doing the job anymore and the placenta was failing. Either way, baby was now better out than in.
- "Severe Oligohydramnios" aka "Low Fluid" led to me sitting in L&D getting assigned to a room by 2:30 PM.
- C-section was scheduled for 7AM the following morning!
Note: if it weren't for the Lovenox, I'd have had the C-section that very night. Seriously.

Friday: OR Prep 5 AM
After a sleepless night, waking every hour on the hour thinking "it's time!", I finally was relieved to see it REALLY WAS 5AM. I got up, refreshed myself a bit, and met a shocked nurse coming through my door with a wheelchair. I think she was surprised I was up. :)

They wheeled me over to a teensy-tiny room in the OR/C-Section prep area, where I was poked and prodded a bit more for fun. Hubby arrived about that time...

BTW - did you know they have started shaving people again prior to a C? Yep. I bitched about it the whole time too - the nurse bitched right along with me! After about the 3rd time I got pinched by the clippers I told her to bugger off, and if anyone complained to tell them I refused treatment. :) She liked the idea, so I only got a mini-shave. Ha!

The Epidural:
The anesthesiologist and the NA showed up - that makes 5 in the tiny room...

The Epidural prep was going well until he put in the fluid... Suddenly I felt like I was drowning, but it was on the inside. My ears were stopped up, and the pressure in my head was incredible. I couldn't think straight. I thought I was dying. Really. I told those gathered what was going on, but everyone just stood there watching me, saying "It will be over in 2 seconds", over and over for what seemed like an eternity. I started crying, I really thought I was going to die. This went on for several minutes, I don't really know how many.

During this fiasco my OB's partner (the one doing my C-Section was someone else from her practice, I hadn't met him). He walks in, takes in the situation, and excuses himself saying that the room is too crowded. I remember moaning something about the "clown car being full".

At some point the pressure subsided some, and I tried to get an answer from the Anesthesiologist about what the FUCK had just happened. He didn't have an answer, just kept telling me I'd be fine. I even explained that I wanted a scientific discussion, it's then that I realized he wasn't simply being patronizing, "There, there Sweetie, It's OK", he really didn't know. HOW is it he didn't know? I think I might have scared him. He made a pretty quick exit about then.

Stitches vs. Staples:
When the drama was over the OB came back in - we'll call him Dick M. He introduced himself around, asked me if I had any questions... I asked him if he'd use Stitches vs. Staples to close me. He asked why, and I said, "They did a study...", which is where he rudely cut me off, told me "NO! There is no study. THEY have done no study!" I sat there dumfounded while he agreed to do stiches if he had an assistant that was trained. Then he left. WTF?

Luckily, I don't need to like the man, I just have to know that he can do the job. I knew he could, and happen to know someone else that had him do their C-Section too. Ugh.

C-Section:
They wheeled me into the OR, prepped me. Everything went well until they extracted Miss M. She cried a short cry. They took her past my head to another part of the room, but they didn't show her to me. Because she was turning blue. Note the blue-ish cast in this photo...

She wasn't able to breathe, and her lungs collapsed if they weren't bagging her. She was put on C-Pap and quickly took on a normal pink hue. Then she couldn't cry due to the C-Pap pressure. The room was way too quiet - everyone was tense.

My husband went to her - he took several photos... He kept telling me, "They are working on her, but she's OK." I couldn't quite see her, just the movement of people around her out of the corner of my eye. It was so hard.

People started talking about NICU vs. Transition - the two types of nurseries. I knew with her being early that this was very likely, but hadn't planned on the 'not breathing' part. I wanted so much to see her, but it was taking FOREVR - my heart was sinking - I only knew that they were saying they were "helping her breathe".

C-Section The Pain:
Somewhere around this time I started feeling pain from the C-Section in progress. The pain was raidiating up into my back and shoulders. It was getting worse. I was grunting and breathing hard.

The Nurse Anesthesia lady told me she needed to give me a shot in the arm. To which I replied, "I'm numb from the chest down! Can't you find a spot that's numb?". This got me reprimanded from the OB, and I quote, "You are having a C-Section and you are worried about a little stick?". To which I replied, "I can't do anything about the C-Section, so I'm entitled to whing about SOMETHING!". We didn't get on, can you tell?

I can hear you all now... WTF - Dawn, did you actually argue with the man that had cut you open? Yep. I sure did. While still open. I'm fiesty, maybe not brite, but I'm fiesty. HA!

SO, she stuck me in the arm. Fuckin' A Dude - that hurt.

The pain didn't decrease, it got way worse. More Epidural was applied... no use. More - the full syringe (9 unit) to be exact. No help. The pain was unending and growing stronger so that I came up off the table . Something was added to my IV and I suddenly became cross-eyed and couldn't focus. Didn't help the pain... Just F'ed up my vision.

Unfortunately, that was the EXACT moment they chose to bring Miss M for me to see for the 1st and only time for 12 hours. I couldn't see her.

Damn. Still makes me cry.

I panicked a bit... I couldn't focus my eyes. I could only squint and close one eye to stop the double-vision. Doing this I could just make out a hat, a small pink-ish chin, a C-Pap, and a blanket. I couldn't see my baby's face. I started repeating louder and louder that I couldn't see her... I could touch her, so I knew she was there, but I think it will haunt me forever that I was affraid I'd never see her alive again - I thought I could be missing my one chance.

I'm sitting here in tears, just remembering.

They took her away after waiting for a minute to see if my vision would clear... It didn't, and they had to get her to better life support soon. A mask was put over my face...

I woke up from a nice little dream... I didn't remember where I was for a few minutes... I was still in the OR, but it was much quiter - just a few people were there finishing up my stitches.

I felt odly at peace for a few moments. I thanked the NA for knocking me out. I had been so wound up with fear and pain and stress that I needed the brain break she gave me. Can't say enough nice things about that. Oh, and Bonus! Dr Dick M. was gone too...

They wheeled me in to the Recovery Room alone. Hubby and Miss M were off to the NICU and I was totally alone.

Before this, I had felt that with Jim's C-Section delivery that I'd missed out on a lot. I could see him in the warmer next to my bed in recovery, but didn't get to try to nurse him, I didn't get to hold him, the nurse essentially kept him occupied with this and that until it was time to be wheeled to our room. There was no bonding, but could see him.

This was so much worse... I wasn't sure where exactly they'd taken her. I wasn't sure how bad off she was. I hadn't seen her. I couldn't hold her. And yet, on this special level of hell... I could hear and see all 3 of the other ladies in recovery as they ooh'd and ahh'd over their new little ones. I could see their partners hover and coo.

I cried off and on most of the time I was in recovery. My nurse was rotated between the 3 patients... She kept coming by asking me, "Why are you crying, are you in pain?". I told her finally, and I sobbed harder. She pulled my privacy curtains, but I could still hear the first breastfeeding instructions being given to each Mom. I got to hear each major and many minor celebrations of new life.

I had no-one, and I was deeply depressed.

Sometime later my husband arrived - he was torn about what to do. He needed to be with M, they needed parental consent for some procedures. But he was super-worried about me. I kept crying, and I kept refusing to look at the pictures of Miss M.

Thinking about it later, I realized he probably thought I was scared to see her, and he was thinking that the pictures would help. He didn't understand that I couldn't look. It hurt too much to think about her. Just when I'd stop crying I'd remember that she was missing and I'd start all over again. I left my husband with no way to help, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't have any way to help me either...

Hubby left again and quickly came back with the Neonatologist in tow. I was given a rundown of Miss M's situation. Her condition was stable, but that she was suffering from Respiratory Distress - she was on C-Pap and a small amount of oxygen. He said that when they tried to take her off her lung would collapse. They were going to do X-Rays because she was breathing too hard and too fast - they needed to check for other lung complications.

A side note here to tell you that the Neonatologist was surprised that I didn't look scared, and I seemed to have some pretty detailed questions about her care. It is directly a credit to you all... for sharing all of the stories of all the NICU experiences. You guys shared your reality, and by putting it out there you helped me immensely... I knew what we were up against. I had facts, I wasn't terrified of the unknown - I knew something about the possible paths this would take.

A short while later, while I was still in recovery, the Neonatologist came back to tell us that her X-Rays were clear but her CO2 was 80% - way too high. High is 50%, and she was at dangerous levels. She was going into Repsiratory Failure.

He wanted to do an umbilical line to get a blood gas, which is a more acurate measure of Co2. Also, the umbilical line would provide them much-needed access to her. The X-Rays also needed to be repeated soon to watch for air collecting outside her lungs.

I sent hubby off to be with her - they would need authorization for some of the tests.

I cried more... I broke down and asked for my mother, but I was refused. I was told that Security concerns limited the number of persons allowed in recovery. It didn't matter that my support person wasn't there. My mother was within yelling distance, but she might as well have been on the moon. I cried quietly like a little lost child - secretly hoping that my Mommy would come find me.

A short time later I managed to move my legs and feet - aparently this is the ticket out of recovery. I was never so glad to leave a recovery room.

My reunion with my Mom was hard though... I wanted so much to tell her how I'd missed her. I wanted to cry and cry and have her hold me. I also knew that she wouldn't understand. She hadn't lived that hell with me. For her there had only been a couple of hours before she could see me - not a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon.

So, I delt with all the comings and goings and questions of nurses... I carried on bravely. It was distracting... It was passing time... I only had to make it 10 more hours before I could see my little girl. One day maybe I'll share this with my Mom... I wonder how she'll take it.

To be continued...

General Updates

2010-11-29T23:09:00.005-05:00

Wow, It's been a MONTH! And MAN has it been a month...

I realized I've not posted any pics of our new girl, nor have I told our story in full. If you don't know me enough to have emailed me direct, you likely missed the details. Sigh.

SO, here's my attempt to relay where we are today, and in another post I'll recap Miss M's Birth story.

Today Miss M very clearly stopped fussing because she saw and heard me! YAY! She stopped, turned her head, and looked right in my eyes. She looked pleased, although she didn't smile. Kinda makes my heart warm just thinking about it.

I've been able to breastfeed, after a fashion. I'm only putting her on to feed every so often, which makes me happy... don't want to do that job full time. Unfortunately, it also means my milk supply isn't huge, which means she's not getting enough to eat that way. So, I let her get what she can, then I give her a bottle. This plan seems to be making us both happy, so I'm going with it.

I'm having to pay some pretty close attention to a slightly-flat spot on M's head. She CAN sleep the other direction (no torticolis) but she doesn't prefer to. Right now I'm just repositioning her head after she goes to sleep. She's started switching it back lately though, so I'm going to have to talk to the Dr about what I can do to keep her head turned.

Last night I took M for her sleep study. It appears she has the same type of breathing issue that her brother Jim had at birth. It is either A) immature nervous system, so that breathing isn't regulated correctly during sleep or B) reflux induced sleep disturbance accompanied by a decrease in blood-oxygen levels. I am giving 2 options because they don't know exactly what caused Jim's issues, and we won't find out for a couple of days what has caused M's. Likely we won't ever know really, but they'll treat her conservitavly until we get a positive sleep study. This is the same we did with Jim. Sigh.

I'm sighing because I know what it's like to have baby hooked up to oxygen 24/7, feeling like baby is on a 'leash', having the heart monitor go off by accident all the freakin' time, not being able to travel for more than 2 1/2 hrs, having to lug heavy O2 tanks around when I go to the store, etc. It isn't my fav.

Then again, I like having my kid alive, so I'll do what it takes. Doesn't mean I won't sigh about it though.

My family was here over the weekend - both brothers, my parents, my SIL and Neice (the other SIL and Nephew couldn't make the journey). We had a GREAT time! Jim latched onto my brothers like there was no tomorrow. Both Uncles were a HUGE hit. Jim made them go outside to play ball every chance he got - it didn't matter that it was freezing. He couldn't wait to 'play ball' again. I have to say, I was terribly happy to see him beem with pride while they played catch with him. I don't think I've ever seen him so animated.

At dinner Jim took a seat at the big table and instructed that each uncle would sit beside him. For once he didn't claim "I'm done!" after every bite. Frankly, I think dinner could have lasted all night and he'd have been OK with it. :)

I was sad to see my family leave, and I was a little worried that Jim would be heartbroken. I think he was, a bit, but he didn't cry or throw a fit. He seemed to accept it. All he said was, "We gonna go to Cene-see soon." Sweet thing.

At present I'm trying to figure out what everyone is getting for Christmas. I've got to plan for myself, Miss M, Jim, and my gifts to hubby. I also have to orchestrate what's coming in from extended family - we are already buried in toys, so I think I'm going to have to cull some stuff to make room for the new stuff. How do you guys handle this? Do you try to suggest appropriate toys or just see what turns up? Do you cull their old toys in advance? Do you cull them while they aren't home?

Challenge being, with 2nd baby here now, I need to cull but KEEP this stuff - no reason to re-buy these toys in a year. I've given away most of our infant toys, but they are scheduled to re-arrive soon-ish from my friend DD. My Den will simply implode like a toy-centered black hole if I don't do something soon.

How do you guys organize your kid's current toys? Do you use toyboxes, shelves, or build an annex to your house?

Jim seems to be coming down a bit from his terriblness. He still needs some managment help from time to time, but he's getting better. He has started being truly jealous of Miss M though. You should SEE the dark looks he gives her and anyone that dares hold her. Sheesh. We are trying to make sure he gets plenty of attention, while balancing it with reality. Tough to do sometimes.

Miss M is still sleeping lots, which makes the sleep study results pretty pertinent. She's spending about 2 to 3 hours awake per day, well, other than the time it takes to down a bottle and get a diaper change every 3 to 4 hrs. I have a fear that she's suddenly going to decide she's done sleeping for the next year! Ha!

Day before yesterday was Miss M's official due date. Hard to believe really. She reached 7.1 lbs last Tuesday, so I'm guessing she would have been a whopper if she'd stayed in to bake. Yikes.

It's funny some of the looks I get when I go shopping with her. People think I've brought a newborn, 2 day old, to the store. She's so tiny and cute. I can't make much progress without getting stopped for questions and peaks and people's stories. It's kinda fun, but also kinda tiring to tell it again and again.

I think I'm rambling... Let's see... What haven't I covered...

I think I'll move on to Miss M's birth story. See you at that post!

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme

2010-11-24T22:52:00.002-05:00

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme
TodaysMama (link to: http://bit.ly/tmwishlist) and GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I’m sharing this meme with you.

1. What is your holiday wish for your family?
I wish for my newborn baby girl's sleep study to go well on Sunday, so that she won't have to spend her 1st Christmas on oxygen. Looks like she has the same breathing issue Jim did, so we are doing a sleep study to see what breathing support she needs. Also, I wish for my son to enjoy his 1st year with a little sister. The transition is going to be hard, but I wish for it to go as easily as possible for him.

2. What is your Christmas morning tradition?
We spend Christmas at my parents' home. We wake up to the smell of homemade sausage balls and Christmas Dinner's ham cooking. When the sausage balls are done it's TIME to OPEN presents! We always do the stockings last, since that is where my Mom puts the "extras" like batteries or accessory parts. Ha!

3. If you could ask Santa for one, completely decadent wish for yourself, what would it be?
I would wish for a trip to Ireland for 10 days, and an offer from a trustworthy family member to keep my kiddos while I'm away.

4. How do you make the holidays special without spending any money?
Our family was hit hard last year economically, so we had a Recycled White Elephant gift exchange. All of the gifts had to be either bought at a consignment shop or be a former gift to you that needed recycling. It was GREAT fun, and most people got something they really wanted out of the bargin.

5. What games did you play with your family growing up?
My brothers and I played computer games together, as a family we played Rook and Spades. One brother and I played D&D, which has lead to my love of RPG games on the computer.

6. What holiday tradition have you carried on from your own childhood?
Our Christmas was always about sharing time with our extended family. So I always make the needed effort to be with my extended family for the holidays. I've travelled great distances to make it happen, but I think it is more than worth it.

7. Where would you go for a Christmas-away-from-home trip?
One year I would like to travel to Boise, ID to have Christmas with my brother and his family.

8. Check out GameStop (link to: http://bit.ly/gamestop10) and tell us, what are the three top items on your GameStop Wish List this year?
1. XBox 360 with Kinect - I'd love to have the dancing game. I think my family would LOVE to play this together.

2. RockBand 3 Game - I love playing this game, but don't have it at our house yet.

3. Instruments for RockBand

Today Was The Day!

2010-11-20T23:16:00.003-05:00

Today WAS the day that Miss M was supposed to be born via C-Section. Wow. She's still not 'due' until next Saturday. Seems a bit odd, huh?

Oddder still... Odder, I don't think it's a word, but I feel like going with it. ...She decided that TODAY would be the day she would wake up an greet the world for a few hours.

What do I mean? Ah, I can see you haven't had the joy of preemie sleep. She's essentially been asleep since we brought her home, until today. Sure, she has been awake off and on for feedings every 3 to 4 hours, but then she's gone right back to sleep. Really. I've spent a number of hours holding her, but very few of those included time where she was awake.

Today that all changed... I realized at about Midnight that she'd been awake for an hour. By 3 AM she was just starting to get a little sleepy. Then she awoke for her 10 AM feed and stayed awake until 1 PM. That is the very longest she's ever been awake. Really.

So, I got to know my little one a bit today. It's been nice.

Also had a GREAT afternoon out with Jim. We drove out to DD's house for her twins' 1st birthday party. They had a great turnout, and everyone seemed to have a good time, including the babies. There was lots of food, fun, and catching up with old friends and making new ones. We had a good time overall.

Jim won the hearts of several of the party-goers. He lost one though, when she realized he still isn't fully potty-trained. She was kinda rude about it, but I'm not sure she's not right. He's almost 3 - it really is time to get the potty training finished. It simply hasn't been my priority, and I told her so. She agreed that made sense after hearing my recent PG/Delivery story. :)

Updates on recent topics:
Heebie Geebies - all gone as far as I can tell. I've not had any real anxiety for non-real concerns for several days. In other words... there are SOME things that SHOULD make you nervous, that is just life. I've not had any unexplained anxiety though for many days.

C-Section Healing: Yeah, I was doing good until a couple of days ago. I think I hurt myself. I need to take it easy for a couple of days to make sure I don't end up really, really injured. I'm not showing any signs of infection, internal bleeding, etc. I just have a bit of pain where I didn't, and I'm pretty stiff in my midsection after I've been in one position too long.

Terrible Two Tantrums: We are taking this day-by-day and trying to work through our son's agressions vs. quite so much punishing. We have set some rules about what will and won't be tolerated, and we are doing our best to stick to it. It's kinda like some weird Jekel and Hide thing though - I never know which kid I'm going to get.

What exactly was that?

2010-11-13T22:11:00.001-05:00

Over the last few weeks, even before Miss M arrived, Jim has been acting out in what I think the typical 2 year old fashion. I say I think, because he's never really acted like a normal two year old. He is usually very calm and pretty easy to handle.

Lately though he's been a bit of the Terror, he's been screaming, crying, yelling no, demanding his way, and throwing tantrums. Do know, when I say lately I don't mean since Miss M has been home, I mean for the last month or more.

Last night was something else alltogether though... We hit an all-time new high in terrible.

We had all of the normal hoo-ha of late, with an extra helping of inconsolable tantrum. Finally I figured out he was simply way-the-hell over-tired, so I encouraged his crying, and was rewarded with a boy that collapsed into sleep, on the floor, totally exhausted. We were very happy to let him sleep.

When he woke up... It was as if a hurricane had passed through, and all of that dark emotion was swept clean.

The end of the evening found me humming the Twighlight Zone theme. ;)

13 Days and a haircut

2010-11-11T18:31:00.001-05:00

Miss M is now 13 days old... Wow.

I got my driving privileges back at my post-op appt. Yay me! So right now I'm sitting, waiting to get my hair done.

My Mom is leaving for her home tomorrow, she thinks she's done, but I could stand another 2 wks. ;p She doesn't live close, so I'm on my own from here until we setup a visit at Christmas. :(

Hubby will be home with me next week, not sure how that will go. I should probably make a list of to do's so i can get some much-needed tasks accomplished. Hmmm.

Miss M is now up to 5lb 8oz, she has a bit more to gain before she's back to birth weight, bit she's doing good. We are doing feedings every three hours - not bad so far, but that's with multiple people caring for her. I'll have to update next week on how it's going with less help.

I got out a brand new piece of baby gear today-a Fisher Price sleep and play rocker (think that's the name). It is basically a rocking hammock. Looks very comfy and seems to have passed the Miss M happy test for now.

Gotta sign-off, hair must get done!

Home and the Heebie Geebies

2010-11-05T12:55:00.002-05:00

Hey guys! I'm back!! Note: at the bottom of this post I've asked for some info from you guys to help me with the Heebie Geebies.

I'm sorry I didn't post more while in the hospital... I was having a hard time making everything come together. Thanks VERY much to Stacie for doing some interim updates for us!

Miss M. came home with me on Tuesday! She was released at 5 lbs 4 oz.

I stayed a total of 4 days after the c-section to give us more time to get to know her. She stayed in room with us for 2 days, but both nights I sent her to the nursury becuase I wasn't comfortable that she wouldn't be monitored by someone for several hours. I was certainly affraid of her having a downturn and us not hearing her distress.

We've been home now for a few days. She is sleeping really well - about 3 hrs at a time after her feedings. She has at least 1 wakeful period each night, for a couple of hours, but mostly she is still doing the preemie sleepies. I expect she'll wake up in a week or so.

About me... There's phyisical pain and emotional pain...

Physical... My c-section pain just wasn't that bad this time! I had about 2 days where I really needed nar.cotic meds, but then I switched to Motrin/Tylenol for 2 days, and then was done. My back hurts if I stand/walk too long, but overall I'm not taking anything other than Advil and that's only if the pain gets out of control.

I've been doing some pumping of breastmilk, but I've pretty much decided I don't want to be a milk cow. She won't latch yet (probably because there isn't enough milk) and I keep avoiding pumping, even when I know I should. I just don't think I have it in me to do this part. I also don't want to get full of milk just in time to stop BF when I go back to work. I have no interest in lugging a machine to and fro. I just don't see it happening.

Mental... I've got a full-on case of anxiety. Pretty much any time I think of the baby or my son I get anxious and have stomach cramps, a hard time breathing, and generally am too petrified to move. This isn't good when you have 2 kids and need to learn to juggle caring for both. Sigh.

My Mom and Hubby are helping me with it - I'm talking with them and explaining how it feels inside. They have both been very good to talk it through with me and keep me moving. I find for me that is the key - once I get moving on a task I stop being freaked out.

Anyone else out there have this kind of anxiety thing? How long did it last? What did you do to combat it? I'm looking for clues about how to get my life back on track and start handling this thing better.

Re: Miss M: progress

2010-11-01T13:49:00.003-05:00

Note: This update is from Sunday....

Apparently, Miss M is more of a go-getter than even we imagined... They called earlier to say she might be released to our room tonight! All she has to do is have one more uneventful feeding of 1oz (no choking or resp distress) and we'll be able to keep her with us!

Wow, huh? On Friday we are talking about ventilation options and co2, and on Sunday we are looking at which car to put the baby seat in!

I have to admit, as small as she is, I'm a little nervous of her, but I'm also able to see she's clearly more alert and more interactive. When we saw her and fed her at Noon, It was clear she was hungry and also very clear when she was full.

The whole thing is a bit surreal...

I'm doing fine... This is day 2, and my pain is tolerable on just motrin and tylenol. I'm still easily exhausted, but I'm coping pretty well.

Jim is going to TorT with Daddy and either Nana or Patpat. The non-Jim person will come to the hospital with me.

Miss M Is Here!

2010-10-29T11:37:00.001-05:00

If you would, go over to Stacie's blog Here Storkey Storkey for info and updates temporarily.

Mommy's had a long day...

Update, GD Hospital Food Anyone?

2010-10-28T18:03:00.001-05:00

So, I'm in my room... Baby is doing great on the monitor! Yay!

I've been keeping in touch with the outside world giving updates and getting things done. Can't get a stable connection via my laptop, but I'm rockin my Droid. :)

Thanks to everyone for their well-wishes and concern... It means a lot to know you guys are out there rooting for me and my little girl!

Speaking of which, I just had an uplifting conversation with Stacie, of Here Storky. Thanks so much for the chat girlfriend!

So, dinner is served... What are we having? A GD dinner was ordered for me... Hmmm....
- A roll - high glycemic index, check!
- Apple sauce - high glycemic, ck!
- Apple juice - hg index, ck!
- Rice, plain (we wouldn't want any spice to get on there, would we?) - very high glycemic index, double-check!
- Cooked carrots, totally plain, thank you very much - also very high glycemic index, double-check!
- Piece of over-cooked lightly spiced chicken - whew! Thought they weren't going to sneak anything healthy in there! Just made it!

So, I sent it back. I just hope this crushed ice isn't all I get until hubby gets here.

Sigh.

On My Way!

2010-10-28T13:51:00.001-05:00

Odd NST results led to an US.
Low fluid led to questions about when I ate last.
Both things led to me sitting in L&D getting assigned to a room.

C-section is tomorrow morning!

Baby says Boooooo first thing tomorrow!

Baby Celebration Mash-up

2010-10-20T16:10:00.001-05:00

My wonderful coworkers threw me a full-fledged Baby Shower party with balloons and the whole 9.

During the shower 2 of the ladies insisted hubby and I stand, then they brought over the cake... We were given a cake knife and then there was some distraction about where the candle went... I started giggling a little because I was thinking it sounded like it was someone's birthday...

They apparently couldn't find the candle, so decided the cherry on the cake would have to suffice... Which confused the crowd greatly...

I started giggling harder (and was not alone) when we were instructed to hold hands while we cut the cake. Hubby says, "Didn't we do that already? This seems familiar"...

Laughter in the group started to really build...

Then one of the two ladies starts clapping and singing, "Happy baby shower to you..." to the tune of "He's a Jolly Good Fellow". I started laughing so hard I had to sit down.

So we had a WONDERFUL baby-shower-wedding-birthday-congratulations-on-the-great-job shower!

I love these people!

P.S. If you didn't figure it out for yourself, the two ladies are not originally from this country, but I'm so thankful they are here and love me enough to throw me such a great party.

All's well by morning light

2010-10-18T00:01:00.001-05:00

All's well. By morning my boy wanted nothing more than to be with mommy. Hubby and I were at a loss for words.

Today we plan to go shopping for cheap Halloween decorations, because I've lost my mind and invited people to my home for a party next Saturday night.

Yes, You read that right... I'm throwing a party at my home at 35 wks PG. I think this is the difference between a new Mom and a seasoned Mom. Either that, our I'm just crazy.

US went well on Friday... Baby is looking good. Have another scheduled for Monday. Baby is sideways (transverse), which has been a challenge got me physically, but she seems to have moved this afternoon, so I'm feeling a little easier now... Then again, my hip now hates me... Anyway... All is basically well.

Wow, Didn't See That Comming

2010-10-12T19:11:00.001-05:00

I've never really understood how or why people send their kids to bed without din ner. My parents never used that tool, they made us suffer through dinner while they gave us the hairy eyeball... I've always thought that was bad enough.

Tonight my kid has taught me that I really don't know a damn thing about parenting. I'm totally ready to send a 2.5 year old to bed without dinner to get him out of my sight.

He decided that he wanted Daddy instead of Mommy to pick him up from school, so he refused to leave with me... Can you say embarrassing? Then he finally realized he had no choice, so he proceeded to berate me all the way home, sulk, and said he didn't like his Mommy.

This escalated to a full-on tantrum at home... Wherein my lovely son told me to go away, that I was not nice. Time-out turned into a mess...

I ended up leaving him lying on the floor crying, while I went out on the deck and had a calming period. Then I made myself dinner, offered him some (which he refused), and proceeded to eat by myself while my son continued to tell me how unworthy I am.

Oddly enough the insults, minor as they really were, stopped hurting or making me mad after a few mins... I just wanted him to be on bed so I didn't have to play the game anymore.

I'd say he is going to wish I hadn't learned to think that way... What do you think?

Btw- I couldn't help but think of the new baby on the way... Do we have to do this all again? I guess if we are lucky then yes, I guess we do.

Sigh

A Post in Bullets - 33 wks

2010-10-07T22:09:00.005-05:00

What's up? Hmmmm... Think I'll do this post in bullets, so it actually gets done.

I haven't said so previously, but I'm truly OVER THE MOON about the fact that 2 of my bloggy-buddies are in the PG saddle with me AGAIN! Both Mrs. Spock and Stacie were my gestational pals the 1st time around! I want both of you to know that it makes my heart sing to know you are my sisters-in-crime once more. I'm so terribly excited for you guys.

Had a Peri appt today - Little Miss is looking good - she's estimated at 5.5 lbs or so. Dr. said all is going well, and I've setup all my apts through the end of Oct.

I have about 6 wks to go now. Nov 20th sounds so far away, but really, I know it'll be here before long at all.

I've been having a good number of "contractions", which seem to be pretty strong, but are most likely just BH contractions.

My boy Jim is doing well. That is, last time I saw him! I left before he awoke this morning, and I came home after he was in bed. Since his Daddy doesn't look concerned, I'm going to bet he's doing OK.

In recent days Jim has started to act like a baby a number of times. I'm thinking he's noticing all the changes around here - seeing all the pink flooding into the house, and is starting to get worried. He's started crawling. Really. And he's started acting out simply for the sake of being difficult. So far it is manageable, but wearing on my nerves.

Jim has decided what his "Sissy's" name is going to be - he picked from our list of 4 names. He's been calling her by name now for a couple of weeks. It is so sweet to have him count her as being "in our family".

Mom Mom's best friend from High School is so excited for us - she LOVES little girls. So, she sent me a good-sized box of new clothes through 6m size, the baby's 1st teddy bear, and a very cute "Mother-To-Be Bracelet". So sweet and thoughtful of her.

Not sure if I mentioned it before, but I've gotten hubby roped into a project for Halloween. I want to make some of those BIG cutouts/silhouettes for the yard. You know, witches and cats and such. I just have to get him moving on bringing home some plywood... Mmmm and Black paint. The rest is in my list of to-dos. I gotta get moving on it though, or we'll not get it done!

Jim is not only talking like a pro now, but he's also coming up with his own stories, games, songs, and explanations for the way the world appears to work. It is sooo fun to just just listen to him create the world. I just want to grab him up and hug him for being so neat.

I'm finding it very hard to be motivated to get my house in order... I want sooo much to clean out a bit more of the clutter around here. I also want to re-decorate the HUGE mantle in our den, but I can't seem to get past thinking about it. I need something to inspire me - the right piece of artwork or large thingamabob to start my plan in motion. Not sure if I'll get it done before baby gets here, which makes me sad.

I'm also finding it hard to get gumption to setup the nursery for Little Miss. I keep going in there, and I'm seeing things that need doing, but I'm not making much progress. Last night was a banner night (sorted clothes, put things in the right drawers, etc). MAYBE my issue is that I'm hung up on not having a changing table in that room. I switched out some furniture, so now I have a gaping hole where the changing table should be. Need to shop for that this weekend.

Funny thing... I appear to be still in denial that there's going to be a baby soon. I totally forgot that I need to setup the bassinet upstairs, find a the pieces to the Pack-n-play bassinet attachments, and get my stroller frame back from my girlfriend. Maybe I should make a list. Hmmm...

My cat has come to realize he's not really welcome to walk/sleep/jump on my tummy anymore. What's a cat to do? He now lays, half-on half-off my tummy, which makes him a sort of tummy-cozy. Little Miss doesn't appear to like it... So, she starts kicking him. HIS Reaction? He looks around, sorta bewildered, to see what's amiss. :)

I'm getting very sleepy. Heading to bed!

Walk of Hope & 31 Wk PG Update

2010-09-30T22:08:00.002-05:00

Well, I did it! I collected money, I showed up, I met Julie, and I walked in the Resolve Walk of Hope last weekend! At 31 wks pregnant that isn't anything to sneeze at either! The walk wasn't really very long, and thankfully it wasn't as dreadfully hot as it has been lately (but still hot enough).

Best of all... I walked with Julie, yes THAT JULIE, and had a DIVINE time! We walked and talked, we reviewed our stories, discussed extended-length blogging (hers), and generally had a good time overall. After the walking part - we sat in a gourgeous park-area, ate muffins, and I met Jen, Andrea, and Renee. We chatted, played with babies, ate muffins, took bets on how much sugar Jen's kiddo could handle without self-destructing, and had a nice relaxing time. For the record - that kid can handle her sugar!

Later in the day we met up for dinner and added Jennifer to our crew. We had a nice dinner and got to know each other a bit better. I've said so in my comments to Jen and Julie, but I felt like I talked my head off because I was like a puppy at Christmas, all happy to meet my family. It felt very good to meet people that I KNOW will understand my struggle - I don't have to explain IF, or thrombophilia, or how I could shoot myself up daily with NEEDLES to get a child.

Best of all, when I qualified all of my statements about this pregnancy with something like "Assuming all goes well..." no one chided me. No one tried to talk me into be giddy with excitement. Everyone simply nodded and said, "I know exactly how you feel". All I can say is THANKS for that ladies. I didn't feel like a freak, and that meant a lot.

I have to say, when I was at the Resolve walk, it felt very good to look at the rather-large gathering and KNOW that each of those ladies and gentlemen had a story similar to mine. All of the children were works of ART. Seeing all the babies and toddlers made me feel like I was right where I needed to be, doing what needed to be done.

At one point I spoke with one of the RESOLVE team, Renee, about the lobbyist work that was being done on behalf of the RE physicians. Her story struck home with me...

Apparently, there was recently some legislature proposed in Georgia that would change the rules re: embryos (as I remember it) that would make IVF unavailable/illegal as an ART therapy. The lobbyist and (I think) the Resolve team got people and their familys together to go down to the Capital... The bill was stopped by presenting these families and asking the legislators a simple question, "Sir, which of these children would you say was unecessary. Tell me, which one is one too many?". The bill was killed.

That was profound to me... Here there was a group of legislators threatening to take away my ART privilidges. Threatening to take away my ability to make a family. I didn't even know. I was totally UNAWARE that this was going on right under my nose.

That got my attention...

So, I hope I can remember this story after our baby girl is safe at home. Once I'm not on the IF roller coaster I want to start doing what I can for Resolve. I want to be sure that the next IF couples on this journey are given the opportunity to have their families.

**subject change warning!**
-------------------

This baby girl is doing her utmost best to crawl her way out of my belly. It feels very much like she's digging for gold in there! I hope she finds some - it might help pay off some of the IVF bills. HA! I kid.

I didn't feel this uncomfortable with Jim. I wasn't this big this early either! My belly is very high this time, and very, very round. It is extrememly obvious that I'm PG, not fat. I get pretty intense tightening several times a day now (not quite as bad as I remember Braxton Hicks, but getting close). Everything seems to be WAY faster with this one...

I'm now so big that people are stopping me to ask when I'm due, and they are expecting an answer of 3 wks or less. So, it is kinda fun when I get to say 8 wks, and wait for their mouths to fall open and eyes to bug out! HA! The immediate stare at my mid-section never fails to amuse me.

List of items to update about from previous posts:

My Gest.ational Dia.betes appears to be under good control.
My Syn.throid Rx (for Thyroid issue) has finally been officially reduced back to a reasonable dose
My mood is GREATLY improved.
I have setup a marriage counseling appointment for next week for hubby and I
My son seems to be holding up under all the changes that are occuring at our home (including the influx of pink clothing and toys)
I have a C-section date scheduled!!!! Nov 20th!
Baby is supposedly ~ 4.5 lbs - about 2 wks ahead.

I think that's all the news that is news here at Lake Won'tBeLong. Goodnight.

I'm Walking... Not the Way You Think Though!

2010-09-20T21:28:00.003-05:00

I've decided to join Julie over at A Little Pregnant in the RESOLVE walkathon this weekend! Yeah, I know I'll be 31 weeks PG, but damn, I can walk SOME!

I've already raised $75, and that's just 2 people. Gotta love family.

I rarely ever do fundraisers, but when I realized what I'd be missing if I DIDN'T go... Well, I decided I had to. I tend to donate, but I don't get involved, unless it's in the planning part of a fundraiser. I've actually helped put together a walkathon for MS, so I have some real street cred in that department.

Anyway... I'm walking with team "No, you Relax!". I love the name, and it fits my personality beautifully! If you want to support my walk, I'll send you the info you need to do it. However, do know I don't expect it from anyone that reads me here, so I'm not posting it outright.

Do know, I love you guys, and I think of your support for me very often. So, I'm walking for all of us ladies that support each other, and most of all... For all the ladies that will come after us in the IF journey. Maybe, just maybe by walking and raising awareness, I can make that road easier for someone else.

SUBJECT CHANGE WARNING!!!
*-------------------------------------------*

Sorry, didn't want to hurt anyone with the sudden change of topics....

I saw the endocrinologist today... She said something along the lines of "WHOA!" when she saw the huge increases in my synthroid in the last 8 months. She said that looking at my data it's no wonder I felt like crap. I've been pushed from 50 mcg to 125 mcg in a VERY short period of time. She also felt that for whatever reason my Drs had missed 2 key dosage levels on the way to the 125mcg dosage. Turns out there was an 88 mcg and a 112 mcg option for this drug - yeah, my Drs just skipped it.

So, she's running a NEW baseline for my thyroid, and she's going to determine next steps from there. YAY! She will likely leave me at the reduced synthroid level, and may possibly lower it. Reason: Baby is making it's OWN thyroid hormones now, so MINE aren't as key anymore.

Sigh. I feel better already.

BoNuS! She's also a diabetes specialist, so she's going to take over my potential gest.ational dia.betes care too! YAY! Only one doc will mess with all my prescriptions! YAY!

Today hasn't been as bad as yesterady. Hubby and I are surviving so far. We'll see what comes of it.

Life in the Moment

2010-09-19T22:22:00.004-05:00

hmmm.... where to start.

Yesterday, I would have told you all about how great my visit with the counselor went. I found someone that isn't interested in simply medicating me - since she agreed my issues were directly the result of a medication change.

I had found out well before my appointment, thanks to some super-sleuthing from my hubby, that the increase in my thyroid meds were possibly causing my distress and sudden mood change. So I self-medicated, by dropping back to my previous dose, and suddenly the world was a brighter and MUCH nicer place. ...Who knew Thyroid meds could make you super-depressed and anxious? Weird, huh?

Anyway, the Dr/Counselor I went to see recommended I go to an Endocrinologist to get my thyroid levels professionally adjusted, and to make sure someone was closely monitoring me AND my mood as the drugs are altered.

I have an appt with the Endo doc on Monday. Yay me!

Today, I would tell you that I'm still quite unhappy at times, and not all of it is med or baby-related. I have some gripes with hubby. I'm not sure how I'll deal with them either. I'm not sure how we'll recover from the place we've gotten to - both of us are pretty tired of it.

This isn't where I wanted to be right now. I have 8 to 9 weeks to go in this pregnancy - I want to be sailing into the finish, not riding stormy seas and wondering if I'll capsize and drown. I am really exhausted mentally - too much stress and struggle. I want some time off to myself.

I considered calling my folks and seeing if I (just me, no kiddo) could come work from their house for a week (I'm allowed to work-from-home sometimes). Then I realized I'm not allowed to drive that far at this point - it's 5 hrs 1 way, and I'm not supposed to do more than 2 or so at a stretch at this point. Grrr. I COULD do it, but it'd take me extra hours, and it seems like a long way to go to get some downtime. AND there's no gaurantee it'd be down time since my Mom and Dad would be all up in my business wanting to get to the bottom of me running away from home.

Sigh.

I don't really want to actually run away from home. I just want some relief. I don't think I'll be getting it for some time though.

Then there's the question of my parents' plans to come help me when baby gets here. Last week we discussed it and my Mom said something about being home for Thanksgiving. I'm confused by this, since I'm likely not going to get out of the hospital until that very day. Current thinking is we'd do a c-section on the 22nd of Nov - that puts me out of the hosp on the 25th, most likely.

Anyway, I'm just going to have to work through it the best I can. Maybe she was thinking that I'm right that this baby will make an appearance early. Little Miss seems to be getting impatient. I've been having Braxton Hicks pretty often when standing. Not terribly painful, just uncomfortably tight. I know that isn't a true indicator, but everything seems to be faster/earlier this time - and I'm huge! I look like I could pop any day now.

So... not sure what else to add to it all. I'm just hanging out and hanging on. Not sure what the world is gonna throw at me next. Hopefully it will be something good. All in all though, I know that things are maneagable, just not exactly how I'd like them. So, I'll just have to deal until I can work it all out.

Maybe this is my own form of "What IF?"...

2010-09-07T13:29:00.001-05:00

You know me a little... I'm normally mostly upbeat, right? So, how do I ever explain?

Explain being sad, and yet happy at the same time?

Explain that infertility stole the happiness of this pregnancy from you. You can't help but think of the other 6 pregnancies that didn't work out.

Explain that in your heart you knew this baby was a girl, but you were scared shitless when it was confirmed because you lost your last little girl in the 2nd trimester.

Explain that imagining delivering early seems like a good idea at times, only because it'd get your baby out of your wonky body and into more capeable hands faster?

Explain that you sometimes have to fake being excited, just so you don't stress out your well-meaning family and friends.

Explain that you feel like the last 7 years of your life have been dedicated to having babies, and that really, you are done hearing how you need to eat this, do that, don't do this - you want your freakin' body back. And, Dr Wonderful, I'm sorry if you want blood checks from me 4 times a day, I don't give a flying Fuck - deal with it.

See... you can't... not really. And it isn't even every day that really feel this way - it is only some of these items on some days, and others on other days. Also, you can't show your ass everytime someone wishes you well. So, you just suck it up and prepare to slog through the remaining 10 wks.

Oh yeah, when you see the neighbor and her little girl out for a stroll, the one that was born the same week your little lost soul was due, you are thankful to God that there are strangers standing nearby. It's so you can't lay down in your driveway and cry like a baby. Or worse yet, run screaming out in the street to tell her how it is all OK, because you are soon due with another girl. Sigh.

Yeah... I've got issues - they normally lurk farther under the surface. recently for some reason they are popping up like dandelions. I think it might actually be from the greatly-increased Synthroid... They've double it over the last 3 months. I cut back 1 level last week, and I'm feeling much better... So, gotta talk to them about that on Thurs. Also, I've called my OB and asked for a referral for someone to talk to. I just have to get feeling better before my little girl arrives... No reason for her to have to live in this sad and dark place with me.

24W2D Peri Visit

2010-08-09T21:46:00.004-05:00

Went to see the Peri again today - all is looking good. He was pleased with the baby's progress and reported that the fluid looked good in there today. She was punching and kicking a lot (has been all day), so we got a good look at her most-recent favorite activity - kicking the fool outta Mommy.

I'm getting pretty darned uncomfortable. She's kicking hard now, and my belly isn't taking it in stride. When I stand up I feel like 20lbs of lead is hanging from my mid-section, and it kicks. It simply feels like there is no room in there for her.

My belly is tensing up often (probably my old friend B. Hicks). I'm often in actual pain when standing - as standing seems to make the tensing of my belly worse. Anyone have any ideas how to combat this discomfort?!?!?!

Our boy Jim had a "red letter" day about 4 days ago! (aka. a day so special the calendar date is shown in red) He started WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!!! From about 10 AM each day to somewhere after dinner he is successfully wearing underwear!! We've had 2 accidents in about 4 days of wearing real big-boy underwear. I consider that to be EXCEPTIONAL! YAY!!!

On top of that greatness, we've had a breakthrough in his voicing his "I gotta go potty!". That's a major milestone - before he would never tell us, we'd just find out after he was wet/dirty. He's even taking himself to the potty on some mornings now - he says, "I do it myself!". OH, and TMI for his future-self, but he's ALSO doing #1 standing up. He's been doing that for several months now, but it is soooo darned cool to see him assume the position with confidence.

Jim is asking LOTS about his "baby si-ser" these days (note there is no t in the word). Often he asks, "Is your baby OK?", or "You got a baby in your belly?", or "When is baby sis-er coming home?". It is sooo sweet. He's even starting to get quite protective of me and her. I scolded our cat Humphries, but Jim didn't see the "reason" for it, so he asks, "Humphries, did you bite Mommy? No! No!", to which I replied that Humphries doesn't bite and Mommy isn't hurt. Then he said, "Humphries, did you walk on Mommy's baby?!? No! No, Humphries!". I don't think he ever got it that Mr. H was just being anoying - he didnt' do anything to really deserve scolding, but it was sweet nonetheless.

Lastly... and probably most funny... Jim seems confused about the baby's whereabouts on my body. He understands the baby is "in my tummy", but when he looks at me before/after shower, etc. he seems to think my boobs are somehow related to her whereabouts. He keeps trying to figure it out, and so we once-again point out the BELLY and how HUGE it is. Alas, he's no wiser about her location. :) That's just fine though. :)

I'm often thinking of my bloggy friends. I wish I could make myself blog more often though. I kinda suck at the whole "give" part of give-and-take these days.

Updates, conversations, and comfort

2010-07-29T23:33:00.002-05:00

All went well with the scan on Monday, fluid looked good and Dr is pleased, which of course pleases me!

Little Miss was doing lots of moving and stretching - grabbing toes and sucking her thumb. Awwwwww.

Later in the day I called on of my brothers to give him grief. He owes me dates for a possible summer weekend trip. We e.red up talking over the issue of infertility, costs, and insurance. He sees IF coverage as a perk, but seemed to reconsider when he realized I would have no Jim without the aid of insurance. Not only that, but my IF issue is a treatable condition! If someone had told me 6 years ago that I just had to take shots to get/stay PG who knows how different my little life would be.

So I've converted my non-believer for the month...

On to comfort... I'm not getting much of that lately. My belly seems to object to me standing up in the evenings. Objects as in major unpleasant tightening up to and including stomach upset. Ugh. As i understand it- Little Miss is head-down, so some of this is just from being kicked in the stomach after-dinner entertainment.

I'm just trying to hang in and not look too closely at how far it is to Nov. I should just hush, shouldn't I? Sigh. It isn't really that far.

Then there's the pelvic pain- sometimes it feels like my pelvis is going to spontaneously separate at any moment while walking. This happened with Jim, so I kinda know where it is headed.

21W 5D - Hanging in...

2010-07-22T00:19:00.002-05:00

I'm still here... Starting to get pretty frequent kicks from Little Miss. :)

Most of you wouldn't know this, but I get quite when things aren't great. So, while I've thought of blogging, I haven't had the gumption to do it. It's been hard to know what to say. I can't seem to shake the "dropping the other shoe" feeling. I just can't.

I have an OB Peri appt tomorrow to check on my fluid levels - you think I could get an oil change and tire rotation while I'm there?

Seriously... They are a bit concerned about low fluid levels this go-round. Last time, for those that don't have a chart with all my gyno history in it, I had Pre-Prom, which isn't as fun as it was when I was 17.

Pre-Prom is short for some long medical term that means too much fluid and a possiblity of severe and potentially catastrophic failure of the membrane/placenta. If it had ruptured prematurely my son could have been... well, let's just say it would have been very bad. I'll not go into details.

So, this time, it seems that Little Miss is not getting enough fluid, and it is likely due to the bloodclotting issue. I've been told to drink more water. If that hasn't done the trick by tomorrow's scan, I'll likely have to up the # of shots per day of blood thinner. If that doesn't work, I'm going to be put on bed rest. Really.

All I can do is try and imagine that... Bed rest, for me, because of clotting issues? Huh? Doesn't sound right. Anyway - we'll cross that mattress when we come to it.

Still Here - Still PG!

2010-07-01T22:57:00.003-05:00

I'm still around! I'm just doing my best to survive right now - my home and work seem to be contriving to kill me slowly. I'm just hanging in and hanging on.

In baby news... Have you guys ever noticed that when you use a doppler to find the BB's heartbeat that the baby gets all unhappy and starts moving to try to get away? Honestly...

Jim did that, I was SURE of it at the time. Now this one is doing it too. I think my baby can hear it and is FREAKED OUT by it. He/She was just hanging out, being chill, but then the doppler came on and he/she started jumping all over the place. Specifically, there was a distinct movement AWAY from the doppler. I swear it.

In other baby news... I am ALMOST 19 wks. I can't believe it! My hubby sent me a text to say that 2 of the ladies at his office asked if we'd be interested in attending a baby shower. I replied, "Sure, who's it for?". I think you'll be amazed to know that his answer wasn't "Duh!".

Do you think I still haven't let myself be convinced we are having another kiddo in the house in 4-ish months?

In Sister-In-Law news...
Thanks for all the suggestions! Turns out she and my brother managed to nix all of them through my Mom's emails to me. Sigh. HOWEVER, she confided in my Mom that she needed new necklaces - ones that would cover her scar and wouldn't be heavy on her neck.

So, yesterday a salesperson, Jim, and I frolicked and played in a GREAT accessories shop we have just 2 mins down the road from me. I bought her 7 necklaces, most have matching earrings too! I brought them home and wrapped them in pretty paper... I'm sending them along with a card to tell her to give away any of them she doesn't care for.

I feel awesome that I can give her something she wants.

BEST NEWS YET... They said her thyroid cancer is the "good" kind, if that is possible with cancer. She really might come out of this OK. The cancer was fully encapsulated, but they are going to do radiation treatments to get any cells that might have escaped.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned it, but my brother (her husband) broke my heart some weeks ago... He asked me if I'd agree to be guardian of their son if something happened to him. Of COURSE I agreed, but it is hard to remember that email without tearing up. I sure hope this cancer report means that future is less-likely for him. While I'd love him like my own, I would greatly prefer that my brother and SIL remain fully capable of taking care of their son well into his mid-life crisis. :)

Wonderful words...

2010-06-21T20:06:00.004-05:00

AS I've said before, Jim talks well, and our neatest conversations seem to happen in the car. I think maybe it is because he's a big fan of vehicles. :)

We are using cars to teach Jim his colors. It's lots of fun! He does pretty well at it.

Some of our favorite cars to see:

Conberdidable - Jim seems to prefer older models
Ambuwance - he imitates these at top volume
Big Truck - which can be any type from a delivery truck to a semi.
Fire Truck - which he says is "going to help somebody". :)
Tractor - Any kind of big construction machinery, which is because his Mommy is an idget and can't remember the names of them to teach him. :)

Riding with him is LOTS of fun these days. We talk about school, and his friends, and what they learned today. I'm appreciating his sense of humor more and more everyday.

Today he said, "We almost to my neighborhood!", and I was very excited. Then he said, "YOU no go to my neighborhood.", and I thought about playing sad, but then I realized it was funny to imagine how he'd get home without me. So, I told him how he was being silly. He laughed and agreed, "Silly Jim".

I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

SIL update... You may remember, my SIL was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a little over a month ago. They had told her that it was likely a BAD kind, but wouldn't know until after surgery. The surgery was today... She came through it OK. We hope to hear tomorrow which kind of thyroid cancer it is.

I'm taking a poll - if you were in the hospital after this kind of surgery, would you want:
A. Flowers
B. Flowers with Balloons
C. To be left alone
D. One of the above sent to your house AFTER you are home

A True Love Story

2010-06-20T00:14:00.005-05:00

Today was a major milestone for Jim - he saw his first movie on the big screen! We took him and a similarly-aged friend to the movies to see Toy Story 3. They both sat through the WHOLE thing! That was even after we had to wait a full hour for the theater to get the film running!

I was very impressed with my little guy - he was so very brave during the scary parts, and so empathetic with the sad parts. It was wonderful.

After the movie we parted ways with out friends and did a bit of shopping (I needed some maternity pants!). I had struck out on my own, as maternity stores are kinda a personal thing. On the way, I passed a Disney store and found that they had a cloth Woody doll, and I coveted it for my son. I am not typically covetous of commercialized products, really, I kinda have a hatred of marketing aimed at kids. However, this just stole my heart, and I know my son really loves watching "Woody and Buzz".

I only resisted buying the doll due to my expectation of scorn from my also-not-covetous-of-commercialized-toys hubby.

Later, at lunch in the mall I casually mentioned that I'd seen a "real cloth W-O-O-D-Y" at the Disney store. Much to my surprise, hubby's eyes lit up as he whispered, "How Much?". To which I smiled and slyly said, "$15". Hubby smiled more and said, "Does it have a real String?", and I giddily answered an emphatic "YES!". I could tell IMMEDIATELY that at least ONE of us would be headed back to the Disney store.

When we arrived, Jim zoomed in on the Toy Story display, and ran to grab the object of his love... I watched as Hubby stood there dumbfounded, seeing his small boy grabbing one of the many dolls and yelling, "My Buzz!".

Hubby just stared. Then he uttered very low, "Really? I'm confused, he doesn't want Woody?". My big man was apparently heartbroken... There he was, all 6+ feet of him, holding a Woody doll and looking lost. It was obvious he wanted Woody to come home with us. He proffered Woody again, showing off his string, to which our loving son demonstrated the "laser" on Buzz, and grinned like a fool.

Our household now contains 1 Buzz Lightyear, 1 Woody doll, and 1 Bullseye horse that Mommy couldn't resist for $5. :) Everyone is happy.

Better yet, we've officially seen our little boy romp around the room in his cowboy boots, Bullseye horse in hand with an ever-smiling Woody on his back, riding off into the sunset.

Nothing Much... Still Fun

2010-06-17T22:34:00.003-05:00

I don't have a lot to say, just thought I'd check in, maybe tell a story, or two....

Jim and I were in the car on the way home yesterday... A motorcycle and its rider passed us, and the way he was acting on the bike make me think they might part ways soon. Just as I was starting to steam about this person's antics, Jim piped up... Here's our conversation:

Jim - What's that?

Mommy - A motorcycle

Jim - He riding a bicycle... [insert glow of interest]

Mommy - [insert worried look] No, it's a motorcycle, it has an engine like a car to make it go.

Jim - [pause] I ride my bicycle outside?

Mommy - [more worried look] You mean your bike, out here, on this 4-lane busy street?

Jim - Yes! I ride my bike outside!

Mommy - [very stern look] No Baby, your bike can't go fast enough to ride it out here. You go fast, but not as fast as Mommy's car, or the motorcycle.

Jim - [long pause] ummm

Mommy - [waiting patiently to squash his plan]

Jim - [very joyous smile] I ride my bike outside, Mommy Daddy PUSH ME! [claps enthusiastically]

This child is 2 y 4 mo old... How does he think of things like this? Sheesh.

Conversation Today in the car on the way home...

Jim - [pensive look] We have to put car in garage?

Mommy - Yes, we have to put the car in the garage.

Jim - Where Daddy car?

Mommy - In the garage too.

Jim - Daddy put his car in garage too?

Mommy - [big smile!] Yes! That's right!

Jim - Where everybody else car go?

He's a trip, this one... He constantly wants to know where all the OTHER cars are going. :)

15 weeks - kick-off!

2010-06-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

I wrote this last week... Forgot to send it!

I hit 15 weeks today! I'm just completely amazed we've made it so far!

I keep trying to enjoy this time, but there's always a small niggle re the other shoe dropping. Sigh...

I saw a hematologist this week - he said my blood clotting issues are mild, but he said some key tests hadn't been run, and those could change the picture. So, said RUN THEM!

I explained to the doc that "I want no chance that something was missed that would cost me this baby. Our road has been long and rocky - I've lost 5 potential children already, and I don't have it in me to loose this one and start over. "

The doctor doesn't seem to get the urgency, since he said I'd get my results when I see him in 3 weeks. I plan to call him sooner. ;)

The best part about this week? I've started getting some good-sized kicks. Makes me smile everytime.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Hope for Cancer Patients

2010-05-21T13:21:00.001-05:00

I decided that I couldn't help my sister-in-law much one-on-one since she's in ID, I'm GA. However, I knew that having a 2nd kid had been on her mind, and she's worried what this cancer will do not only to the length of her life, but also the size of her family.

Those of us in the IF world understand the pain and difficulty that come with dreams of fertility. I can't imagine what it woudl be like to add the fear of my own death to my planning. I'm very sad for her and my brother, and their baby son. The whole thing is just such a shock...

So, I wrote my RE, and I got this in response from my VERY FAVORITE PA:

...the best thing for her to do is to contact Fertile Hope (an organization that provides support to cancer patients who are interested in fertility preservation). Fertile Hope provides free medication undergoing IVF for fertility preservation. They are affiliated with Serono Pharmaceuticals who makes Gonal f that is used for IVF stimulation.

Fertile Hope is affiliated with certain IVF centers (our clinic is one of them) who will discount IVF cycles for cancer patients. Not all IVF centers are connected with Fertile Hope. That's why I think she should call them directly to see which centers in her area are associated with Fertile Hope so she can limit her out of pocket expense. Her oncologist may also know which IVF center to refer her to.

Fertile Hope info:
www.fertilehope.org
866-965-7205

Doing my own research into Cancer and Fertility, I found another site that I thought would be VERY useful for those that already have a pregnancy in progress and are looking for information and support. This site was started by a survivor of cancer while pregnant.

http://www.hopefortwo.org/

Grrrrr... Heparin...

2010-05-20T12:21:00.001-05:00

Well, got the bloodwork back from Dr. Amazing (the Perinatologist) he said my IGm numbers were too high, so I'd have to stay on Heparin until this pregnancy is complete. AND it appears this particular issue gets worse throughout pregnancy (numbers get higher) so I'll likely have to take 3 shots a day at the end. THEN I'll have to take heparin for 6 weeks post-baby.

He told me to check into changing from Heparin (2x per day) to Lovenox (1x per day) to save myself some of the side-effects and extra shots. Not sure if our insurance will cover Lovenox - much higher cost than Heparin. I'm going to check today though.

Guess I'm glad they checked my blood, but darn it, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I guess it's at least something I can manage, it's just going to be a pain, literally.

Looking on the bright side... They checked my blood, found that I would've most likely lost the baby late in the preganancy, and gave me a way to avoid it. I'm thankful. Just whining.

More Good News, More Bad News... A Pattern!

2010-05-19T15:14:00.001-05:00

Good News:

My bloodwork screening for the baby having Downs, ect came back in the totally normal range.

Bad News:

My oldest brother's wife was just diagnosed with cancer in her thyroid and lymph nodes. It is malignant and considered very aggressive. This is the same SIL that just had my sweet baby Nephew - he's 6 months old. I don't know what the exact type of cancer is - the details/news has yet to be shared fully.

This just strikes me to my heart.

12 Hours of Life and Death

2010-05-13T12:07:00.001-05:00

Last night I sat on my couch and I cried long hard sobbing tears over the loss of Vee's hubby Alex (aka Max).

I wondered how could the world be so cruel to take away one so young and well-loved. How unfair! He needed to live, to be here for his lovely wife and son. Then I stopped and thought about how much "extra" time he got - way beyond what the Doctors thought he was to be alloted. That's when I realized he DID live - to the fullest, as his body and time would allow. He got loves and kisses from his son. He got to hear "Dada" when he wasn't expected to be here even for the birth. Maybe, just maybe, he was able to stick around longer simply because he was so well loved and had so much to live for.

We knew him through the words and images that he and Vee shared with the world. I, for one, wish to thank them for being willing to share the rawness of their lives and their love. There are so many that will miss him, even though they never met him.

Today, I cried tears of joy at the great 12wk Nuchal Translucency US report we received. Everyone was smiles and laughter, talking and sharing good stories. It was like a party in our US suite. Hubby actually took the pictures from the US and rocked them, imagining them as his bundle of joy in his arms in a few short months. It was magical. I feel like celebrating.

12 hours, such a short time, and yet it is enough to go from cursing the world for its cruelty to blessing it for its gifts.

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY - 12 WK US

2010-05-12T23:18:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow I get to find out more about the future... Look into the crystal ball, or in this case I guess it's more like a snowglobe, huh? :)

I guess I'm more nervous than I thought I was - I'm up at 12:30 at night, instead of asleep for the past 3 hours, as is my usual lately. I have to be up at 0'dark:30 too... Ugh.

I'll try to get a post out about the outcome asap. I hope I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. Sigh.

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Sometimes Coming Home is the Treat

2010-05-04T11:21:00.001-05:00

Jim made coming back from vacation a real treat!

I'd been away for about 4 days - girls' weekend in San Antonio with my Mom and a friend. It was a blast. I arrived home just as bedtime ensued, and I was greeted by my baby boy flying down the hall, arms out, so fast that he ran into my legs, bounced off, and almost fell - but I caught him up and swung him around for hugs and kisses. I walked with him to his room while he burrowed into my neck.

Daddy did NOT look so happy to see me... turns out he was just exhausted, and was VERY happy to have a relief pitcher. While Daddy slunk off to get some rest I put Jim on the changing table. Suddenly Jim grabbed both my hands, he looked up so seriously and said, "MOMMY! Kiss my cheek!" - he pointed to JUST the spot I should kiss. It was the GREATEST kiss request I think I've ever gotten. So wonderful! He continued to point to cheeks, eyes, and forehead, demanding more and we ended up in a kissing tangle of faces, bellies, and arms all in a jumble - it was pure bliss. He laughed harder with each kiss -- so did I.

Everybody Dance Now!

2010-04-28T10:14:00.001-05:00

We had a follow-up 9 1/2-wk US with the RE today.

A dancing gummy bear has never looked so sweet, I'll assure you. Baby B is measuring right on track, and is dancing up a storm - waiving it's little arms and leggies.

I have to say, I'm very excited, and starting to look forward to November. I know, it's early, and things can certainly still go wrong, but I'm going to try to enjoy this damn it. For as long as I'm allowed. Maybe I'll even act blissfully ignorant that anything CAN go wrong. That would be a novel approch, huh? :)

I was sad to see that Baby A wasn't actully there and thriving... as expected though, it is shrinking. You know, even when you know the truth, you still want them to be wrong. Then again, I'm still OK that there's only one baby. It's an odd mix of emotions.

I've setup my Perinatologist's vist for May 10th - 12 wks3d.

And Then There Was One...

2010-04-21T14:41:00.001-05:00

We can all stop guessing now, which will hopefully mean less nightmares for me...

The US showed that baby A had no heartbeat. It had put up the good fight, and had grown by about a week, but it didn't make it. Baby B is measuring on track and had a nice, strong, audible heartbeat.

I am supposed to come into the RE's office again next week to see that Baby B stays on track and isn't compromised by the loss of Baby A. Hopefully it will simply be quietly absorbed and won't cause any issues. In rare circumstances this kind of loss will cause cramping or bleeding, but other times there are no symptoms at all.

I guess I'm a little sad, but I'm also thankful. I know from all of your experinces that there is so much that can go wrong with a twin pregnancy. It was hard enough to have 1, much less raise one, without increasing the risks. I think I'll consider myself overall lucky, even though I think deep down I'll miss not having our "almost" family of 5. See... That's the world of what-if and it will always niggle at me just a little.

Our baby girl that we lost last October was due yesterday. I shed a few tears, and mourned her loss just a little. The outlook for the current baby(ies) was still unknown, and was causing me stress frankly, but the thought of a bright future helped greatly to carry me along though the tears.

On the flip side, being pregnant has also been very hard on my emotions this time... I tell you, I can cry at the breaking of a shoelace. Really folks, I'm not a not a crier, so this is very odd indeed. :)

Waiting and thinking

2010-04-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the babies. I've also been doing all I can to give the little one it's best chance. I'm taking all my meds and being sure to keep myself lower stress.

Who knows if it will make a difference, but it's the best I can think of.

I'm still convinced I'll be OK if there is only one on the next US. I'll be sad, of course, but our goal is as always happy and healthy.

The next US is Wednesday. I'm trying to keep it off my mind until then. It's hard not to think what-if though.
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Boo Life Lessons

2010-04-14T13:01:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was driving through one of "those intersections" - you know the ones where you KNOW there will be at least 1 fool who will try to hit you (or make you hit them).

In this particular intersection people us a "go straight" lane to force their way into line on an on-ramp instead of getting into the on-ramp lane. I have grown tired of the stpidity, and was determined to be prepared for the fool yesterday.

So I stayed close to the car in front of me (but not too close). As I entered the on-ramp I didn't see a fool, but I KNEW there was one!

Sure enough, a grey Volvo race up beside me and tried to force their way into my lane, even though there was NO ROOM.

I rufused to make room and I laid on the horn. At 1st I think I scared the driver in front of me, but the held steady and kept the gap closed. That volvo rode 80% of the ramp in the emergency lane, until she finally gave up and dropped behind me.

I felt vindicated, until I heard a loud reprimand from the back seat, "NOT NICE MOMMY!".

Since then I've question was I doing right, or was I just being not nice? I KNOW the other person was in the wrong, but should I have relented? I'm not sure - when I thought about how to explain it, I couldn't. ;)

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Good Days and Bad Days Should Be Different Days

2010-04-12T20:19:00.004-05:00

Bad Day Example:
Hubby's father died this morning - it was expected, but still sad. He's been pretty bad off for a few weeks now, it was unexpected that TODAY would be the day. Luckily Hubby had taken me up on my offer for him to stay longer - he cancelled his flight and was able to be there for his Dad's last few moments.

Good Day Example:
The US this morning showed a heartbeat! We have 1 baby measuring right on time with an audible heartbeat! YAY.

Undecided Day Example:
The US this morning showed a 2nd heartbeat. The 2nd baby is measuring quite a bit behind, possibly as much as a week. The Undecided part is how this will turn out, as well as how I'm dealing with it. I was all a bit strange and stressful. I want both to have the second one survive and also for this to be a singleton. How do I resolve that... Really. I'm sure nature will resolve it either way.

Cousins Make Good Friends

2010-04-09T06:44:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting here on my couch, trying to get some work in before my son, brother, and niece wake up. My neice (14) slept in my son's (2) room last night, and they are slowly waking to each other's company.

Neither my neice or my son seem to realize that I'm awake, so I'm being treated to little snatches of whispered conversation over the video monitor. They are talking, playing with toys, and in general having a good time. I'd hate to spoil their fun by letting them know I'm awake and there's no need to be secretive. :)

I sure hope we'll get to do something fun today - I'm thinking the zoo, or one of our many great playground/parks.

We have a great playground system here - before I had kids I had NO idea... Now I'm starting to learn about them and take in their amenities. Who knew I'd be one to say "Let's go to to the park!" on a long and lazy Saturday afternoon. I love their play structures - they are big and strong enough for adults to play too. Wheeeeeeee!

The "new bump" seems to be hanging in there. Nothing new to report there, just that no news seems to be good news for now. I have my 1st US on Monday. I'm kinda calm about it, but a little anxious about it too. I feel like everything is OK, whereas I didn't last time pretty much from the start.

My 1st OB appointment is set for 4/21. I cried at the irony of it, both the joy and greif. My lost baby was due on 4/20. I'm so sad she is gone, but happy to be pregnant again, so the pain is greatly lessened.

I haven't been keeping up lately with everyone - lately I've been in bed just mins after putting my little on to sleep. I seem to be starting to get my energy back though, so maybe I'll be able to catch up soon. Hope everyone is doing well.

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

3rd HCG -- 6962!

2010-03-31T13:14:00.001-05:00

I'm excited to say that I didn't feel the need to bury the lead - 6962 is right on track!

It is still a mystery if there are 1 or 2 babies - the Betabase isn't revealing anything - I'm 25DPO...

Single Pregnancy
24 3354
25 4180
26 5509

Twin Pregnancy
24 6959
25 8938
26 11951

I'm not going to worry about it until the US, which is scheduled for 4/12.

I'm kinda holding my breath, and I'm not convinced that this is "real" yet. I'm not stressed, probably because I'm too busy with my boy. :)

Sigh... waiting... So much fun!

18dpo - HCG #2

2010-03-24T17:29:00.000-05:00

I'm tickled pink about the beta # today - 632 is GREAT - right on target for doubling. YAY! Go Bump!

Thinking it is 1 now, and that is fine by me!
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BFP! HCG #1 - 11dp5dt - 17days past O

2010-03-22T13:48:00.001-05:00

HCG # 1 = 294

I looked at the beta-base... and I graphed my numbers... Looks like I'm high for a singleton, but not completely out of the running for twins. I looked at the data for twins and about 11% of people on 16dpo are in line with my #'s. However, I'm right smack in the middle - 50% for a singleton.

Single
15d 136
16d 201
17d 293
18d 406

Twins
15d 268
16d 404
17d 589
18d 803

I'm thinking 1, but I think I'm going to follow the advice I gave the nurses earlier - I'll not start counting chickens. :) The HCG calculator site made it more official-sounding: One single hCG value does not tell you much about the viability of the pregnancy and there is a wide range of normal hCG levels in pregnancy.

Yep... Don't I know it.

---- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Waiting...

2010-03-22T12:12:00.000-05:00

Well, the nurses seemed all smiles this morning when I told them about my pre-testing and the dates. They told me I was gonna need a bigger car. To which I admonished about counting chickens.

My fav nurse said "Cheater cheater pumpkin eater!" re: my pre-testing.

We were all smiles and laughs - it was a good visit. We all agreed it would be OK for it to be twins if that is to be.

I'm hoping to get a call in the next hour or so... I'll let you guys know who the winner is ASAP!

Well I'll tell you after Daddy that is! ;)
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9pt5dt - Still in the Pink!

2010-03-20T14:43:00.004-05:00

I tested in the middle of the day today - the test came back positive almost immediately, so I guess the emby(ies) is/are getting stronger.

I talked with my best girlfriend who just had twins - she's over the moon excited for me. She's said she'll hope for just 1 for us, but she didn't say she "feels" like there is just 1. She and I tend to be pretty connected, and she makes lots of predictions... I'm guessing she isn't telling me how she really feels. :)

Jim is having a great time visiting with his Nana and PatPat this week - Nana is his own personal playtoy. He's just a ball of energy and smiles when she's around. On the flip side, he's anti-Mommy - I'm not allowed to do anything for him. He tells me to "Go Away! Mommy!". My Mom is not best pleased with his manners, and she is trying to make him work with me, but he's pretty darned stubborn and quick to cry. We all figure he'll be OK with Mommy again once he's not got Nana. I'm OK with that. :)

I haven't told my parents that I'm PG yet... I feel bad about it, and I'm thinking about it, but I want to know more about our chances at a take-home baby.

I was told pretty clearly after our loss that my parents didn't want us to try again. I think they are worried that I'll end up getting hurt badly, possibly die. I think there is also an undercurrent of thinking I wouldn't handle a 2nd kid well. Frankly, I'm not sure that part isn't partly true. I have a lot on my hands with just Jim. I'm not sure how we'd do it all if we ended up with 2, but I'm sure we'd figure it out, just like everyone else does. :)

WELL - I have my official test on Monday. Stacie made a guess on the beta # - anyone else wanna take a guess? Maybe I'll come up with some sort of prize for the closest? Stacie, you can re-guess if you want - narrow down your previous answer.

7dp5dt - On the Road Again....

2010-03-18T09:42:00.002-05:00

I got 2 pink lines today, pretty as you please. Wow. Just Wow. I now know I wasn't imagining things when I felt nauseus yesterday!!!

Looks like we are on the road to another baby (or two)! I'm a little worried that we'll crash and burn again - as you all know, wrecking so many times makes you a little scared of getting back behind the wheel.

I'm still a bit green, I'm HUNGRY, and my boobs are starting to get sore. I'm kinda in denial at the moment, but happy.

There are a LOT of miles between here and a take-home baby, but I did tell hubby not to make any plans for an out-of-town Thanksgiving. :)

Wow.

Hugs to you all for being there for me - it has meant the world to me. I know it is hard to be supportive when you are waiting your turn. I hope like crazy you will all be able to get your turn very soon.

---- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

6dp5dt Luck O' the Irish

2010-03-17T08:07:00.004-05:00

I seem to be safe from Pinches this St. Patrick's Day - 'cause I'm looking pretty green.

...and I'm starving!

Jim is helping me blog - he's pushing the letters on my blackberry. Fun huh?

JlLLtrRt7sseeE

That was Jim's 1st solo blog!

I'm so proud, but I do wonder who this Jill is that he's pla,ning to see later!

Have a good one ya'll!!
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No Insurance? Really?

2010-03-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

I just got a bit of a sucker-punch in the face... my insurance isn't going to cover the cycle we just completed. Seriously.

We verified coverage - 70% COVERED!
Our Dr. office verified coverage - 70% COVERED!.

We were not told about our "lifetime benefit" having been used with this insurance plan until we tried to order meds a few weeks ago. I thought maybe that was just for meds, but it turns out that the "lifetime benefit" isn't insurance plan-based, it is company-based, and it extends across pharmacy AND medicall care.

So, when we verified the coverage why weren't we told about the $10,000 max? The current insurance carrier didn't have the amount "loaded" into their system, so they were showing we'd spent $0 of our lifetime benefit.

So, it looks like we are going to be paying out-of-pocket for the WHOLE cycle! Seriously.

Can you say $21,000 insurance mistake?

I'm really, really, really, really not happy.

To Test or Not to Test?

2010-03-14T17:57:00.003-05:00

OK you guys - who tests at home, and on what day of the 2WW?

Discuss...
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On the Table... Take 2!

2010-03-11T12:38:00.002-05:00

I was on the table, ready, and "full" for those that know what I mean... The US nurse was great, and was talking and keeping us company. Several times she mentioned the Dr. being "...here any second", but she was looking more nervous as I waited longer and grew more uncomfortable.

We shared some conversation about both good and bad experiences with bladders, Dr.s, and ultrasounds.... As I grew more pained she started calling people and going on walkabout to physically look for the Dr.

After 15 mins of waiting I was seriously feeling green and considered blowing my breakfast. The US nurse came back and said the RE had an emergency OB visit with someone who was "bleeding out", possibly from an ectopic. Since I had no ETA I had her get me down outta the air and let me go pee.

Man - relief is spelled with a capial P.

I hopped back on the table and we found that my bladder was still quite full (TMI, I know) and she could see our objective quite clearly. Then we discussed a "penalty box" for the RE, wherein he'd have to drink 40oz of fluid, lie down in that freezing room for 20 mins with nothing but a sheet. The nurse favored having 3 strangers stare at him while all this occured. :) She mumbled something about insertion of a speculum... I heart my nurse!

The Dr. flew in a few mins later and I was amazed that he was all smiles and handshakes. I don't know HOW he could come from such a sad and potentially life-ending procedure and not have some residul pain on his face.

We exchanged pleasantries - showed photos around of our little boy and we got down to business...

The embryologist - in my opinion the ONLY person I really needed to see - cam in and gave us our report!

Day 5 stats:
5 grade A+ embryos!!!!
3 that haven't made it to Blast, but are STILL growing!

We put back 2, will freeze 3 today, and the others will grow tomorrow and freeze if they are far enough along. How amazing is that? We had a 20% return rate when we had Jim's transfer. I can't imagine what was so much better this time, but I'm happy with the outcome.

I'm nervous now... those embies were 1st-rate per the embryologist, and the idea of twins is a little much for me. Then again, I'm officially PG as of today... That's how hubby and I see it. We just need these little embies hang on tight and we are in the running for more children.

----- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

On the table...

2010-03-11T09:47:00.001-05:00

I'm in the position...
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Like The New Blog Look?

2010-03-10T00:14:00.003-05:00

I'm interested... Do you guys like the new look?

I'm trying to make my blog better reflect my personality...

I found the great new template and "how to" here:

http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com

8 is STILL GREAT! Right?

2010-03-09T10:18:00.003-05:00

We still have 8 growing! Wow... Really, just wow... I wanna cry.

Who here thinks I should be the next Octomom? Raise your hands where I can see them! Oh... I see. Well, moving on!

6 are growing 8-cell grade A! Woo Hooo! My overacheivers.... I'm so proud!
2 Are growing well, but are a bit behind - grade B or lower.

We are moving this party this party to Thursday - we'll be transferring blasts, assuming all goes well and no one drops a petrie dish!

Stay tuned! 8 is great will be right back after this important message from our sponsors...

Thoughts from the RE

2010-03-08T16:31:00.002-05:00

I talked with my RE today about the 3-day vs. 5-day transfer.

RE explained that the reason for going to 5 day was to have a declaration of the "best" embryos, but that it does seem to somewhat stress the embies.

So, we worked together to break it down a bit, so I could be in the loop on the decision. He said if we had embies tomorrow here would be the basic decision scenario:

90% A-grade & 10% B-grade or lower --> Five-day transfer of the best 2

50% A-grade & 50% B-grade or lower --> Three-day transfer of 2 A-grade

Just noticed I didn't ask him what if they were all grade B or lower... hmmm...

The trick is to have a clear separation of which embies are "best" - if it isn't clear they would push to day 5.

He said the success rates are not way,way better on day 3 or day 5, but the "winner" is clearer - I'm thinking maybe they would transfer more embies on day 3 than day 5 typically, but not on me, since I've gotten PG 2 out of 2 IVF cycles. RE has said I'm limited to 2 - no more. :)

** edited this a bit because the last part was even hard for me to read with so many grammar mistakes and missing. :)

8 is Great, right?

2010-03-08T12:53:00.002-05:00

As of Sunday we had:

16 eggs were retrieved
14 were mature
8 fertilized (which is better than 50%, so the RE is happy)

Today I was told that they won't count them again until tomorrow. We have a tentative transfer time of 2 PM Tuesday, but they are expecting to push us to a 5-day transfer on Thursday.

I'm not exactly sure WHY we would be pushed to 5-day, because I've not been able to get a full answer, but it seems that the embry.ologists know best and will set me up for the date that makes the best chances for us.

Some thoughts on our retrieval:
It sucked. Last time was a breeze, but this time was painful (still is today). It feels more like I had abdominal surgery than just an ER.
Add to that, my IV took 4 tries, so both of my hands were numb& tingly until Sunday afternoon.
I don't want to have to do this part again, so I sure hope we get THE ONE with this cycle.
Sigh.

Nearlydawnology

2010-03-06T19:09:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Stacie for this idea. I am a sucker for a fun meme. :-)

Hey you! Yes, you and you and you and, especially you! Any of you reading this. You're tagged. After you've gotten to learn more about me than you ever wanted to know, take a turn and play the game. It's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch (or as I usually order it "wreeench")
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Thai Spice --- mmmmmm Thai!
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy's
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Chocolate
What are your pizza toppings of choice? peperoni, mushroom, ham
How many televisions are in your house? one - yes really, only 1
What color cell phone do you have? blackberry - ha!

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? well, I've had stuff lifted out and then put back in for the c-section! Does that count? Oh, and I am missing a tube from an ectopic pregnancy
What is the last heavy item you lifted? two 30+ toddlers at the same time. Stacie and I have this in common, bu not for the same reason!
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes, once when I was rollerskating and I landed on my head while skating backwards.
Have you ever fainted? yes
Do you know what is causing your IF? Yes and no - we think it is a cocktail of PCOS, Thrombo.phelia, male-factor morphology, and old-fashioned bad tubes... nice mix, eh?

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no, well, yes, but no, well yes, um no.... it might be a good thing, but you wouldn't know how you'd react until after you'd found out. Yikes. So, no thanks? I think. hmmmm
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Oh... I chose Cecile during French class - I still like it. Also, my Mom said the 2nd-runner-up name for me was Michelle Dawn - I kinda like that.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 2 - but I never wear them because I don't like the thingy between my toes - ouch!
Last person you talked to? Jim

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Fall or Spring - it is a toss up
Holiday? Christmas.
Day of the week? Friday
Month? October or December... it's a toss up
Color? Red
Drink? Coke - diet please
Alcoholic? Mike's Hard Lemonade

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? Yes ;(
What are you listening to? The television and Jim playing
What are you watching? Thomas the Train - Calling All Engines
Worrying about? the outcome of our IVF - did the Egg Retrieval today
What's the last movie you saw? no idea.... it was that memorable - last movie at the theater was Avatar
Do you smile often? Yes
If you could change your eye color what would it be? brilliant green
What's on your wish list for your birthday? a baby
Can you do a chin-up? Not unless someone is pushing me up! Ha!
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? I think it's both.
Have you been in a car wreck? Yes.
Have you caused a car wreck? Yes. I once backed into someone - it didn't cause damage though.
Do you have an accent? Yes - quite Southern I'm told, but I can't hear it myself :)
Last time you cried? yesterday - I was reading blogs of IF friends
Plans tonight? going to Cracker Barrel for dinner, hubby has a craving :)
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? more times than I'd like to admit to
Name three things you bought yesterday? Dinner, Elmo plates, Elmo Napkins
Have you met someone who has changed your life? Yes, quite a few, actually - many of them are bloggers
For the better or worse? Mostly better. :-)
How did you bring in the New Year? At a friends' home - kids, wine, and a plastic Dick Clark, good times!!
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I'm not sure. Would I still get to have my son?
What songs do you sing in the shower? I think it depends on my mood, and if anyone is home :)
Have you held hands with someone today? yes, I held hubby and Jim's hands
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Jim and hubby outside riding the new tricycle
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Both
Do you like pulpy orange juice? Nope.
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Last week
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Thinking about not eating/drinking in prep for IVF ER today
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? not eating/drinking in prep for IVF ER today - do you sense a trend?

Sweet 16

2010-03-06T17:57:00.002-05:00

I made it through the egg retrieval and am home safe and mostly sound!

I was told they captured 16 eggs! Who knows how many are ripe, or will fertilize for that matter, but I'm really happy with those numbers.

Per our discharge paperwork we should get a call by 1 PM tomorrow to let us know the Fertilization report. As I understand it they will be doing full ICSI this time - hopefully reducing the egg attrition rate.

I'm very sore this time... it feels like I've had abdominal surgery vs. the mild cramping I had last time. I'm hanging out on the couch and taking it easy. Hubby is outside playing with the boy - he got a tricycle for his Birthday. He got a sandbox too, but we are planning to wait to use it when Mommy can play too.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

Birthday, Countdown and Irony

2010-03-05T22:57:00.006-05:00

Please look over to your right... --->
Over there on the sidebar...
Do you see some major irony? No? Well... Let me explain.

I never took down the ticker I created for my little girl.

The ticker's current message is ironic, don't you think?

"Our appologies.

Due to a hardware failure this ticker has been lost.

It will need to be replaced with another ticker."

I'm working on it Lilliepad, I really am...

Luckily, through the blessing of the "hardware failure" I don't have to see just how many days I am from that due date. Sigh.

Trying again starting in 3, 2, 1...

My Egg Retrieval is tomorrow morning - 8 AM. We have a babysitter to come stay with Jim while we sneak off and retrieve some eggs.

I've been told that the 3 day/5 day transfer question will be decided based on how many embies we have and how well they are growing. I would like very much to transfer on day 3, but I expect I'll have to leave it up to the lab.

Egg count on Thursday was 14! YAY! Now I'm just hoping for some good fertilization rates and good growth.

Why is it that I feel like I'm in a marathon? A marathon that is scary win or loose.

Birthday? Whose Birthday? Oh, you mean that BIG boy, Jim! Yeah, turned 2 today... We had a party at school for him. His coolio Momma made Elmo cupcakes and bought plates, hats, and napkins to match.

Medication Blunders and Egg Count and Sacrifice

2010-03-02T11:16:00.002-05:00

This morning started with some big fun! We received the much-needed For those that don't use this medication, let me fill you in on the storage of this med:

"Proper storage of Ganirelix :
Store Ganirelix at 77 degrees F (25 degrees C). Brief storage at temperatures between 59 and 86 degrees F (15 and 30 degrees C) is permitted. Store away from heat, moisture, and light. Do not store in the bathroom. Keep Ganirelix out of the reach of children and away from pets."

There were no bathrooms, children, or pets in the box - so can you guess what was amiss with it? Yep, we opened the Gani.relix Rx only to find it was packed on ice.

I then called the mail order pharmacy only to be told that it was "Fine". I asked to speak to the Pharmacist, again, she said it was fine to be shipped cold. To which I replied, "The manufacturer says "brief storage below 59 degrees, and 12 hours isn't brief. Would you gamble $20,000 on the CHANCE that this drug was still good after 12 hours on ice?".

They are shipping me 2 new cartridges. Luckily I have one for tomorrow morning from the original order. Sigh.

Egg Watch 2010:

Current count Left: 6 @ 1.3 to 1.7
Current count Right: 2 @ 1.2 to 1.5

So, we might get a wee bit more than 7 after all. Maybe.

It looks like they will have me trigger on Thursday night, which puts me doing our retrieval on Jim's Birthday. Hopefully Jim is wishing for a sibling for his Birthday!

Jim's Birthday, what are the chances of that?!?!?! I'm a bit sad though - I was hoping to be able to celebrate with him at school, and to setup a party for him at home over the weekend. Now I'll most likely be in surgery while he is celebrating at school, and I'll have to figure out when to have his party at home - maybe the next weekend. I'm not sure.

Sacrifice is something I have to live with because of IF. Who knew my 2 yr old would have to sacrifice for the sake of IF too.

Small Response - Big Money

2010-03-01T11:58:00.002-05:00

As you can see from the title, We've not been getting the good response we'd hoped for...We only have 7 follies, and we were wanting more like 20. The idea was to do one BIG round and then coast for a few frozen cycles if need be.

I'm not sure if I'll even have anything to transfer - given that 2+ years ago with 13 eggs I only had a 20% fert rate... Makes me very sad, indeed.

I'm not sure when retrieval will be - I think they are going to give me some more time to "grow", since I had several 1.1 to 1.3 size on Sunday. The best guess is trigger Wed night or Thur night. Then I'm not really sure if we'll do a 3 day or 5 day turnaround.

Cycling makes planning for work REALLY fun, huh? I can hear it now, "Hey Boss. I might need Thursday or Friday off for a full day, or maybe work from home. Then I may need all day Monday or Wednesday off, but I'm not sure! Can I get back with you when my Dr. says what the plan is?"

Geesh.

OH - and the "Big Money" part of the title... I just found out that our prescription coverage ran out for fertility meds! YAY!!! I have Rx coverage, but this is considered a "speciality med" so it is under a different plan wherin I've hit the max. We are going to have to pay $ 740 per vial of the Folli.stim (I need 2 additional) and a couple hundred more for the Gani.relix. Trust me when I say I came near crying when I found out.

We have poured so much money down this fertility hole this cycle. I'd feel better if we were seeing a big response, but the low #'s of follies make me feel like I'm wasting money, and LOTS of it. We spent $4000 on the IVF deposit and $2000 on meds so far, now we are adding another $2000 to the meds cost.

$8000 to make 7eggs - and one of those eggs is going to overmature, due to it's large lead on the others. So... 6 eggs for $8000. I know some of you pay more, because you have NO coverage at all, but this is a first for me. I can't imagine how people come up with the $ for full-freight, which I'm guesstimating would have cost us $15000 for the procedure and another $6000+ for meds.

Tell me truly, how do you afford $21,000 for IVF? Really? I don't think we could, so I'm interested in what you've had to do to afford it, or if you have coverage.

Love and hugs to all of you for your support... I've loved getting your comments and the direct notes. Mwah!

Proud Mommy Time... Avert Your Eyes...

2010-02-21T23:43:00.001-05:00

Next week is Jim's 2nd Birthday!

Before it is alllll about him for a month, let's talk about how proud I am.... of me, my hubby, and of my boy.

I have succeeded in getting Jim to the cusp of 2 yrs old without him being addicted to TV, soda, sweets, french fries (or any other type of food), cussing, or any Disney or Pixar character. If your kid has any of these addictions, do know I don't judge, I'm just talking about what's going on in my house. WE love a good movie night of cartoons, like everyone, but hubby and I are kinda low-dose TV people, even for ourselves.

Oh, and Jim is polite too - he says "thank you", "please", and "yeah" -- I'm so proud!

He's soooooo talkative, which is outside the norm at this age. He's saying full sentences while some of his peers are just starting the basic words. Again - I'm not judging, I'm just telling how it is in my house. I'm very greatful for my son's communication skills, but I know it doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of success or happiness in life. It can't hurt though, right? I've had people say to me, "He's a Genius", and I say no, he just has parents that talk A LOT! :)

- Yesterday, in a parking lot, he said, "That man park car?" and I agreed. He then said, "Jim park car Tooooo?". I was terribly impressed, but insisted he was a little to young yet. :)

- It is so fun to challenge Jim to say new words - tonight he said "Croissant". It came out all French too - with lots of oooey gooey vowels - delicious!

- Hubby came into Jim's room during naptime - Jim was standing in his crib. Daddy said "Jim, aren't you supposed to be taking a nap?". He says, all serious, "Yeah", and Daddy replies, "Are you going to take a nap?", to which our sage son laughingly replies, "Noooooooo!" while shaking his head.

- He is getting GREAT at using combos of words to get across his meaning - he keeps trying combos of things until he's sure we get it. It's kinda like charades for toddlers...

Jim: Where's my Su-zan?

US: Susan isn't here. She went to her house.

Jim: Her house? Su-zan house? Su-zan go bye bye?

US: Yes, Su-zan go bye bye. Remember she went on an airplane?

Jim: Jim go Su-zan house? Go airplane? Vrooooom... while he dive bombs the bed.

US: Um, not quite like that, but yeah.

He's also started making up silly songs - hubby and I are ALWAYS making up stupid songs to match what we're doing. His song tonight was sung at the table, while holding his plate aloft he sang, "I'm doooooooone... iiiiiiiiii'm doo-ooo-one!" and when I told him to stop, that I'd heard him, he looked at me dead serious and snarkily said "I'm SINGING!" and continued to sing all silly. I cracked. the. fuck. up. and kissed his alfredo-covered cheeks.

Wonderful times, wonderful times!

This message has been brought to you by one proud Mommy. :) A little toot of my own horn every now and then will hopefully be OK with the bloggy universe.

Clinic 1 - Nearlydawn 0

2010-02-21T21:29:00.001-05:00

Grrrrrrrrr....

The clinic today told me very pointedly that I wasn't supposed to come in until day 2. But, my f'ing cycle sheet VERY CLEARLY says to come in on day 1 and start meds on day 2. I explained it MUCH more nicely, than that, but I wanted to yell, which might have been perceptable - maybe. So the lady talked to me like I was 5 and was asking for candy before dinner.

I HATE it when people act like they didn't tell me something they very well did! AND I have it in writing. I also confirmed 2 seperate times that I was SUPPOSED to call if CD1 was over the weekend and was told YES.

I'm totally OK with plans changing, but don't act like it is solely because of MY misunderstanding. UGH!

Then hubby pestered me the REST of the damned day because he DOES NOT like it when plans change. He can't seem to remember how this shit works, even though we did 3 years of cycles, and so he finally gets frustrated and asks what he's been chewing on all morning, "How will this affect our plans if you have to skip it and do it next month?!?!". He's having some tests run that require a CT, but he can only put them off so long. So, it's important that we don't have a month-long delay in baby-making.

I lost it and yelled at him - "How COULD you forget 3 years of shit? I'm not going to MISS a MONTH, it's just going to be a pain-in-the-ass to get in before work, then work in a shot tomorrow!". It was a rough morning, I'll tell you. Our argument lasted a while... He obviously didn't like being yelled at, and I don't like that he's not able to keep up with the game. sigh.

Well... tomorrow's a very early day for me (gotta get into the clinic before work). Night ya'll!

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Do you feel lucky? Do you?

2010-02-21T01:00:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is CD1 for IVF #3

I'm asking myself the questions... The hard questions.

Will this work? What if it does work? How do I feel about that?

Am I feeling lucky? Am I?
Feel free to mentally add the word "punk" to the question - it's much funnier that way :)

Whatever else I feel, I do feel like things are right. I don't know if that means it will work, or not, but it feels OK. I'm not stressed. Not nervous. Not antsy to just be done. I'm kinda calm - maybe that's what you get after so much trying? I'm not sure.

*****************************************

Hubby took me out on a date last night - including a VERY late night/early morning concert for a band I love - front row center. I thouroughly enjoyed myself. The night was capped off by the singer, onstage at the concert, looking right at me and saying diretly to me, "That is a truly beautiful smile, it really is". He said it more than once. I know it's very teenager of me, but it made my day... Today too, for that matter.

You know part of the reason why? Because I'm not a skinny-mini person. I'm not a classic beauty. I'm not a lot of things that other women are, but I'm usually pretty happy to be me.

I have an odd habit that probably plays into his comment... I work hard at smiling at people - I make sure to make eye contact, nod, and smile. People like it, and I like it. I'm thought of as friendly because of that one simple act.

Hubby says I make friends easily. No, it's not really true, but I DO make aquantances easy, because I smile at people and make and effort to meet new people. I have very few real friends. Interestingly, many, many of the people on my bloglist (over there ----->) are people that I refer to as friends.

Anyway... Having the lead singer notice me is pretty sweet. Especially when the tall-dark-beauty behind me THOUGHT he was talking to her - he corrected her. HA! :) Score one for the regular-people mommy with a pretty smile. Go ME! Oh, and I leaned back and said to hubby, "Watch out Big Sandy likes my smile!" and he replied, "So do I, my lovely Bride. I keep telling you how wonderful your smile is. Maybe now you'll believe me." I do believe him more now - odd isn't it?

Have a good one guys - I'll hopefully be off getting my CD1 workup done tomorrow morning! I'll let you know what they have to say.

Light a Candle...

2010-02-08T17:11:00.002-05:00

A candle looses nothing by lighting another candle.
-Erin Majors

The quote speaks to me - it mirrors my opinion on supporting the currently-pregnant people, even when I'm not one of them. I loose nothing in the transaction, other than maybe a little sadness that I'm not there (yet), but I bring light into someone else's life. I do wish I could remember this statment when those 3 PG people* cross into my path. We'd all feel better, I'm sure.

* For those that don't remember, I noted last post that 3 pregnant people I know have have been very hard for me, due to the proximity of their due dates.

Back in the Saddle Soon?

2010-02-02T23:46:00.006-05:00

Yes... That's the plan!

I'm supposed to have an SHG (sonohistogram) tomorrow morning. Should be fun! Ugh. I hate these things, but I guess it is what it is.

Starting in Feb, whenever it is I hit CD1, assuming I don't have a cyst, we will do the supression check bloodwork to start IVF #2. I am not really nervous or anxious this time, I'm just ready to begin.

Dr. S is going to try to up my stim response - he wants to try to get more eggs so we'll have a larger crop of eggs to work from, and possibly more blasts to freeze and should we hit a great stim cycle they might be able to freeze some eggs too! With our 1st IVF we had 4 blasts, 2 were used and 2 were frozen. We used the last 2 in FET #1 over the summer.

I'm not positive what the drug name is, but it is something like gan.orelex? I'm going without any BCPs or Lupron - no down-reg. I'm very worried about this idea - cyst is my middle name, you know. If I remember right, every cycle we've monitored Day 3 without BCPs first has resulted in a no-go due to a cyst. I'm not confident it'll be a go, can you tell?

Had chromosome testing on hubby and I - the results came out just fine. We are normal - ha ha ha hah ah, whew! What a good one!

So, I am ready for this next cycle. I am moving forward with the plan.

I am still sore on the inside, as I expected I would be, but it is worse than I expected. Not physically, but mentally. There are 2 ladies that I come into contact with ofthen that are having babies at or around the time I was due. I keep watching them get larger, more round. I can't help but think about my own loss - how I SHOULD look now.

Then, I shake it off. I do NOT wish that I had my little girl instead of them having their babies, so I do NOT wish them ill will. I still believe in my core that someone else having a baby, or not, has nothing to do with my own chances. I want to celebrate their success, but it has been very hard. So, I settle for polite interest, then I get the hell away from them. That's about all I can manage to do right now. Let me be clear - I don't go away and fall to pieces, I just feel so lonely. Like no one would understand the pain, but I know you guys will... so, I thought I'd share, see if I can let some of it free into the ether.

I'm somewhat afraid I'm going to get asked to head-up a baby shower for a guy in my office. His wife is due on the SAME DAY I was due. Everytime he sees me he's friendly, but he also stutters over baby stuff. I think he's not sure if he can tell me about it or not. I'm not sure either - so I have stayed mute on the subject.

I don't know that my issues are obvious to the rest of the world, but until April passes I don't expect to be able to move past this particular greif. I think it is just a little too deep.

So, early Feb... That's our plan.

Kid Jewelry Issues

2010-01-11T12:58:00.001-05:00

Hey guys - you know I don't generally do this, but PLEASE read this story, then SERIOUSLY consider getting rid of your kid's costume jewelry.

This isn't a hoax, or a chain letter, I typed this myself after I saw this story in the Atlanta paper today. I'm not sure if the story is being covered in Nashville yet. We have CDC headquarters here, so we get some of this stuff 1st sometimes:

http://www.ajc.com/business/ap-feds-probe-cadmium-271657.html

Basically, manufacturers were forced to replace lead in making kid's jewelry - so they are using Cadmium, a highly carcenogenic substance. Looks like there aren't any laws (yet) that restrict the use of Cadmium in kid's jewelry, but testing is showing that it is present in 10 to 12% of charms, pendants, pins, etc from Walmart/Claire's/Dollar stores. This stuff is HIGHLY toxic - it is # 7 on the CDC's most hazardous substances in the environment list.

Per a statement from a CDC toxicologist:
"There's nothing positive that you can say about this metal. It's a poison," said Bruce A. Fowler, a cadmium specialist and toxicologist with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. On the CDC's priority list of 275 most hazardous substances in the environment, cadmium ranks No. 7."

It makes me very upset to consider that this stuff is a well-known cancer-causer, and people are KNOWINGLY putting it in jewelry for kids!! Worst of all, there's no way to tell by looking whether it is in the jewelry or not.

A piece of cheap jewelry may mean your kid is getting exposed to cancer. Please SERIOUSLY consider getting rid of your kid's costume jewelry.

I'm not trying to be an alarmist, but I LOVE you guys, and sharing this story this is one thing I can do to help your little ones to remain healthy.

The NEW and IMPROVED ABC's!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-08T00:03:00.002-05:00

According to a very happy potty-training boy we all know and love, the ABC has just had an update it now goes...

A - B - C - D - H - I - J - K - GO POOPY! YAY!!! (with much clapping of hands and rejoicing)

Children are amazing, even when discussing poopy. Go figure!

Skyrockets in Flight...

2009-12-14T13:36:00.001-05:00

I haven't mentioned it - been quite busy - but Jim is going to have to have tubes in his ears to stop the reoccurent ear infections. We are scheduling the surgery for this Friday. It appears he's had some hearing loss, but they are hoping that most of the loss is due to the liquid in his ear vs. true long-term loss.

I just talked to the surgery center - they didn't give me a time yet, but they went over the costs.

ENT Surgery center $1950
ENT Dr. $424.00
Anesthesia $??? don't know what the $ will be yet

It will officially cost more to have his ear tubes put in than it did for his c-section delivery!!!!!! OMG. When I mentioned this the lady at the sugery center said, in a very sing-songy voice, "But you don't get billed for it! You only pay 10%!"

Idiot.

A Healthcare cost sykrocket was launched in her honor.

Nightingale

2009-11-30T18:08:00.002-05:00

It came to me,
her Nightingale song,

naught but a whiper on the wind

stirring the curtians of my darkend room.

I saw her in the deepening shadow,
a tempting mirage.
When I looked in earnest
she would fade as if a dream.

As nights passed slowly
louder her lullaby song grew stronger,
more sure.
Entering my dreams -

singing me love songs

soft and warm,
small in my hand.

Tentaively I reached out,
beckoning her to me,
feeling only the flutter of wings
as she flew.

Add a Pink AND a Blue Bow!

2009-11-20T10:44:00.001-05:00

My best friend's twins arrived decided to arrive early this morning! She had a boy and a girl!

DD hadn't been having any issues, so this was not expected. As I have it from Daddy B they came out screaming and crying, which the Dr said is a great sign @ 31 1/2 wks.

The babies are off to the NICU - so we'll know soon how they are doing re: stats.

If you have a few seconds to offer up some prayers of support - or good vibes, please do.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Things to Remember...

2009-11-17T01:46:00.001-05:00

Jim has been a hoot lately...

He has started forming more and more real sentences - most of them are constructed on the fly. Well, almost. I hear him many times, before he speaks loudly, he tries out his sentences and ideas in a whisper. It is sooo cute. I NEVER interrupt him or make out like I can hear him - I'm just too excited to get to HEAR what his little mind is putting together.

On the way home from school most days he scarfs down a pkg of saltine crackers - yes, in the car. Then, like this hasn't happened to him 50 times, he starts whining and asking for a drink!! Like today, different from all the other days, Mommy is going to have a drink on hand for him. I laugh when he starts, usually, but the other day I'd enough... I told him he'd have to stop whining - his drink aka "ba ba" was at home - he'd not get it until then.

Jim looked pensive, screwed up his face, and softly said "hoooome", "home", "ba ba", "ba ba home?". Then, all of the sudden his face lit up and he says, very matter of factly "I me ba ba home!", with a big grin splitting his face from ear to ear. It was a special moment, to be sure, and he knew it!

Mwah! My boy, you are a genius! *knowing nod*

Shoes... Jim has a fetish for shoes. No shoes are safe, whether he is in his own shoes or no. Just take your shoes off for a moment and he will whip his shoes off and put yours on. Now, see, he KNOWS they are your shoes... He will even taunt you with them occassionally. He'll hold them up, tell you they are shoes, and then just when you think you are goign to grab them, he whips them back onto his feet. He is a MASTER at high heals and cowboy boots, lest you be fooled into thinking difficult shoes are safe.

Some other cute happenings and phrases:

Tonight he picked up my glass of water, said "Me drink?", I nodded. He's been trying to drink from non-sippy cups, so water is a good place to start. :) He tipped up the HUGE ice-cold liquid to drink and then screamed! He'd managed to dump most of it on himself. He was coughing and choking from inahling a bit, when he says hoarsely, "I may mess!" followed by a shocked, "... Wet!", to which I nodded again, a little more emphatically. Oh, and he was wearing my shoes, my red Clarks, when he did it - I think I'll avoid wearing red tomorrow.

Jim and hubby were in our Master Bathroom one morning. Jim was whining and crying so that I could barely make it out... "Whaaaaaa Meee Mine! Toooowel! Toweeel! Miiiiine!". To which I heard the firm reply, "Jim, I said No! You can't have your towel. Mommy is asleep, so hush." Just then I see the door opening, and my small sobbing boy says, suddenly very clearly and loudly, "Mommy, WAKE UP!". I thought seriously about dying laughing, but I didn't want to encourage him.

Huffing seems to come naturally - how odd! Jim has had a rough year in terms of chest colds. He has, on many occassions, had to comply with Dr's orders to take breathing treatments. We have a tiny little portable air compressor that we use. The air is forced through a tube and into a little chamber that contains his breathing meds. The chamber is formed so that it turns the meds into vapor, which is fed into a small mask he has to wear.

The treatments take about 15 mins to complete, but our little champion will usually sit for them, resisting only slightly. We figure it is because he knows the treatment will make him feel better. His favorite mask is one that appears to be chicken-ish. There is a chicken-type face on it, but it has a horn like a rihnocerous. So, I affectionately call it the "Chickenocerous", and I laugh every time at my wittiness.

Today Jim wasn't breathing so hot. We gave him a treatment, but it didn't seem to be working as well as usual. So, Daddy took him in to see Dr. Wonderful. Hubby and I are so used to our boy's wonderfulness, that it was a little surprising when he wowed the nurses. All he did was hold his own breathing treatment mask. Apparently, this isn't typical 20-mo old behavior when breathing treatments are applied. :)

His pulse-Oxygen level was below 90% this morninig, which isn't good, but don't you worry, he is breathing better tonight. We've been given some meds to help him breathe easier, and recover faster, in addition to the nebulizer.

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

Opps! Occupational Hazard...

2009-11-14T09:40:00.004-05:00

One of the best things about having your blog email stored in your phone is that you can very easily post to your blog.

One of the occupational hazards is that you can also accidently send yourself a reminder note and have it posted on the web for all to see!

Ooops.

Add Another Blue Bow...

2009-11-09T16:40:00.001-05:00

My new nephew is here, safe and sound! I'm so happy - I started crying when Nana called me to tell me the news. His name is Ian Henry and my family's surname - the name is sure to make some people quite happy in our family, including me.

So special, so wonderful. I'm quite speachless.

Not only am I happy, but to tell you the truth I am so relieved I am crying. After our loss I was so terribly scared that something would take this wonder from my brother's life. I was terrified for him - terrified that he would never know the beauty of holding his child. but I never told him so. I find little use in scaring people when there is no form of intervention available to them. As we all know, babies do or don't arrive in good health, and much of the time there is little reason to be found for the outcome.

I am so pleased. I will thank God tonight for the blessings of the day.

Too bad you aren't all here with me - I'd order up some wine and fine chocolates for the house. Hurrah!

Miscarriage Truths

2009-10-28T23:34:00.002-05:00

Tonight I did some Retail Therapy, which isn't really like me. However, I bought a beautiful asian-themed shirt, some clothes for Jim, and some potential Christmas gifts. Oh, and I bought 20 mini-size pumpkins for our neighborhood's Halloween bash on Friday - I am in charge of helping the kids decorate them. If it doesn't rain it should be a nice time.

I am steadily getting better... I've had a few minor setbacks, but overall I've been making progress.

I keep thinking there are warnings that should have been issued to me when it was found that I had lost the baby. Knowing that these things were coming might have saved me some sanity.

So, here is my list for any of you that are unfortunate enough to have to travel this road. And, any that have already travelled it - feel free to add to my list!!!

Your husband/SO may need to see the doctor's report, or ultrasound, to feel sure that the baby has died - he needs closure just like you. Be sure you as your Dr. to try to accomidate him.
Once the initial shock has worn off you will find that grief comes in waves. Much like the ocean tides, they can be 2 inches to 20 feet.
Grief waves will hit you when you least expect it. Especially when it is inconvient to be seen crying.
It is VERY LIKELY that you will occasionally forget that you are no longer pregnant. Remembering may bring you crashing down. This is normal. The frequency and severity of these episodes will decrease over time.
Your husband/SO may not want to talk about it. Or he may want to drown you in his thoughts. It was his baby too - try to be supportive. If you can't be there for him, try and be up front about it, maybe ask to wait until another time to talk (not too far in the future).
The shifting of your uterus back to its former size/position feels VERY MUCH like a baby moving and kicking. This sensation may cause you to forget momentarily, which will cost you some added hearache.
People will say the wrong thing... You should plan for this and try to have a "get out of jail free" line to offer them. That is, unless you want to claw that person's eyes out - then you can feel free to let them have it.
You will want to scream, cry, and tear your hair for want of your baby back - this is normal. This might last for a few days or weeks - that is normal too.
Your parents are coming to grips with loosing their Grandchild. Don't forget this...
You will realize eventually that you will never get back the time you spent trying to have this child. For those with infertility, you will cry when you count the # of months that equals.
"What's next?", is a question you will repeatedly ask yourself. For your body and RE that answer is at least 3 months away. You may find that a rough sketch of your plans will help you put these questions to rest for a short time.
IF you don't want to open cards from your family/friends you don't have to. Really.
Get out of the house as soon as you can after your miscarriage - home needs to be a sanctuary, but not a cave to hide in.
Knowing the reason your baby died can lighten your burden, but it won't stop the "What if's".
Wearing your pre-pregnancy jeans will happen faster than you think - discovering this will not be a pleasant and happy moment.

Maybe this list can help someone who is greiving. At a minimun, it has helped me get the close-following demons out of my head for now. Well, at least for the moment.

It's All So Different Now...

2009-10-26T14:42:00.001-05:00

Why is it that EVERYTHING is different once you loose your baby mid-pregnancy? I think people assume it is just the sadness of the loss that consumes you. Instead, I am coming to find that every waking moment has the potential to bring a rush of sadness and pain. Until now, I didn't realize how many little things I did in a day to ensure my comfort and the safety of my little one.

Everything in the list below has occured today and caused me to physically pause and take note of the baby's absence, my sadness, my emptiness. I find my day is moving forward, but not on normal time. It is being spent in small, jerking moments of reflection - as I realize that I do not need to think of or do these simple things anymore.

THIS day-to-day task list represents the real pain that lies in wait for me - and this is only through 1 PM:

In the morning - I don't need to carefully choose pants and shirt that still fit.
I don't need to be sooooo careful on the house stairs.
Not eating a healthy breakfast may or may not leave me starving by lunch. Do I still need to pack a snack for 3 PM?
At the office - I used to take the elevator, not the marble winding staircase that is falling hazard galore.
I usually don't eat the tuna they make at the office cafe - who knows how old it is (even though it is probably safe, and is very yummy)
I never choose cold cuts in the cafe, unless I know I can get them microwaved first
I don't eat too many sweets/carbs, don't want gest. dia.betes - guess that's not too likely now
I answer the call from the Dr's office re: how I'm doing, then cancel 2 other no-longer-needed appointments *sigh*
I hit my tummy on the desk and flinch out of habit *sigh* now it just feels like a normal tummy
I get asked about the baby, and then kindly untell 3 or 4 people at the office**. Then I feel I need to apologize for making them sad. *sigh*
I get very sad at the prospect of no other children, so I Google for options regarding next steps (when I would rather look for baby gear instead)
I dry tears for the 14 millionth time since I lost our little one...

I know that things will get easier as I work these daily habits out of my life. I also realize that some things will never be the same.

I am trying really hard not to focus too much on why I'm having to do the things I'm having to do to make plans for the future. I do need to know what I want to do next. I need a Plan to feel secure that it will all be OK eventually. I need somewhere soft to land - somewhere with some hope.

**Since our loss I have threatened one or two people about statments that started off "It will be OK. You are still...". I have promised to break arms if the sentence gets finished. Let's just say It has been an effective deterent to people showing their stupidity.

Closure....

2009-10-23T17:09:00.001-05:00

Thank you to everyone who has come by to offer condolences. It has been helpful to have our little one's existence acknowledged. The support and shared grief has been good for me, as I don't feel so alone, as I have in previous (early, before anyone knew) miscarriages.

I am at home recovering from a D&C that I had at 6:30 AM this morning. I'm still a bit knocked out from the sedation and meds, but that is to be expected, I guess. So far it hasn't been too bad as far as recoveries go.

The hardest part of the whole D&C process was the paperwork. I was required to fill out a Death Certificate. It was the hardest thing I've had to do yet. I cried the whole way through it. It did feel like closure, but I wasn't sure I was ready for that just yet, as it felt kinda forced. It made it all feel very final though, like I was publicly and formally acknowledging officially that my baby had died. In a way, it made me feel better that there was a real and tangible record of her on this earth, even though it didn't ask for a name or sex of the baby - it was enough.

It will probably be a little while, but I will eventually try to explain what the findings from our test results were. Also, I'll tell you guys what happened at the hospital the night we found out, but I'm not ready for all that just yet,

Thanks again for all your love and support.

-- Protect the time and space to carry out your dreams -----

The Waiting Is Over...

2009-10-21T19:12:00.003-05:00

We got the CVS results today, but the answers are moot.

Our little girl has died at 14 wks and 1 day old.

Goodbye my baby girl, I am sorry we never got to know you.

Thank you everyone for your love, prayers, good vibes, hugs, and support.

We Have Some News... Still Grey

2009-10-21T11:12:00.001-05:00

Just got our results back. They weren't good, but also may not be totally horrible. We are going to need more testing done at 16 wks to know more.

I'm trying to learn what I can right now. I need to understand more before I'll feel like I can really explain it.

I'll have to get back to you guys. Wish I could say more, but I'm not sure what to say just yet...

Halloween Costumes...

2009-10-20T14:29:00.001-05:00

Still no news... On with the show...

I saw what I thought would be a useful link in a Parenting.com spam message... A link to 100's of homemade cosutme ideas - I've bought Jim's for this year - he's going to be a puppy, but I thought it would be fun to look at what other very creative people have been up to.

Here's a link for your own viewing pleasure http://www.parenting.com/Common/article.jsp?articleID=1000076248&cid=enews102009

However, I was HORRIFIED at the very first entry I saw! Can you spot the issue?

http://www.parenting.com/activity-parties-gallery/Activities-Parties/2009-Halloween-Costume-Contest-Round-8

I keep wondering how long does this kid have before he passes out due to lack of oxygen? I think the costume is GREAT, but I can't help thinking this is a parenting FAIL. There are no obvious air holes, which means they aren't big enough to get him a reasonable amount of fresh air. That, and those balls - they will be lots-o-laughs when the kid trips, falls, hits his "globe" on the ground and gets a face-full of ball-pit-balls!!! Ha!

Really, these people obviously put some real time into that costume, but I'm hoping the lack-of-air fail isn't present in actuality. Ugh.

Still No News...

2009-10-19T21:08:00.003-05:00

Thanks so much for everyone checking in on me!!! We still have no news, but I'm getting used to it. :)

I've sort-of managed to find a middle ground where I imagine that everything is mostly OK with the world, and I hate to say it, but I've almost convinced myself that there isn't a baby until I hear otherwise.

This method seems to work until I feel the baby kick, which is pretty often now. I've been able to feel him/her since the evening of our not-so-happy-news Ultrasound. Good timing, huh?

---
What's Jim been up to? Gosh, I haven't said anything much about him for a while. I'm a bad Mommy.

Jim is growing like a weed and talking up a storm. He is now able to say almost anything he can think of, with mostly good results.

We do play frequent and fascinating games of "Did you say ____ ?" Where Mommy gets to guess what was said before her somewhat spoilt boy starts crying and becomes unintelligible. So far Mommy is doing well at mastering the game. Daddy, well... He just kinda goes ahead with whatever he thinks is being said, and if it gets too bad Mommy sorts it out.

He has received ALMOST all of his teeth, but these last 4 are proving to be quite challenging for everyone involved. He frequently stops mid-meal saying "Owie" and puts his finger in his mouth to show where it hurts. Yep, I say, that tooth does hurt I imagine, then we all resume eating. Really, how much more is there I can do? It hurts often... poor thing.

He's starting to do way more climbing - including on the kitchen chairs. This has lead to much more traumatic and fantastic-looking falls and spills. It is a thrill a minute!

However, I'm spending lots of time telling Daddy that "It's OK if he climbs up there - he's got to learn sometime." That's about when he chooses to prove Daddy right by making a spectacularly loud bump, followed closely by the super-sonic scream. We are all learning the hard way, but it has to happen sometime.

Overall things in our household are going well. We've enjoyed being out and about together quite a bit lately. We seem to be really trying to spend more family time, and it is bringing us closer together, I think. Having Mommy be tired, and a bit distracted, hasn't been that great for all of us, but we are surviving that the best we can for now.

Hope all is well in everyone's households in bloggy-land. I'm reading your blogs, but not commenting - I'm kinda in quite-mode for some reason.

No News...

2009-10-16T20:33:00.004-05:00

We have no news. No news because this test can't come back in 7 days, it takes a minimum of 10 to 14 days. So, it can't have been back today. :(

No idea why the Dr. said it would definately, most assuredly, be back today. Ugh.

So... We wait... Again.

Monday at the earliest, Friday at the latest - but then we've had and "at the latest" answer before. Right?